Examiner Article: Guide to the "State Fair of Texas" (Part 3)

"The Comedy Examiner's Guide to The State Fair of Texas" is an ongoing, multi-part series seeking to provide an ultimate guide to the sights, sounds, and smells of the yearly event in Fair Park. The third part in this series focuses on the con-games and borderline homicidal rides you'll find on the Midway. Read on, gentle Examiner readers...

This is part three in the Comedy Examiner' "Guide to The State Fair of Texas", and if you're just joining us, you may want to take a look back at where it all began. Part One concerns "The Food" of the Fair in all its horrible glory; Part Two tells you all you need to know about "The People" that you'll encounter down in Fair Park come Fair time. Get caught up, and then come right on back, folks.

Now we move on to the third portion of our Guide: "The Rides and Midway" that you'll take part in at the Fair. This is generally everyone's favorite part of the experience, much like how people who have lived through a brutal beating will tell you their favorite part of the attack was "when the person beating me paused to take a breath": it's all relative.

The Midway is populated by the same sort of carnie-folk that operate the "Food" stands at the Fair. Generally, these carnies are distinguished by their "wife-beater"-style shirts, enormous wads of cherry Skol lodged firmly between tooth (just one) and lip, and overall greasiness-- which is slightly more greasy than the rest of the people you may encounter while at the Fair. Some of them are operating the rides, some of them are selling tickets for the rides, some of them are selling tickets to buy tickets for the rides, and some of them are operating short-con "games" that are just dandy at making you feel utterly humiliated and ashamed on the long ride home from the Fair.

Let's go through this one part at a time, starting with the rides. The Comedy Examiner's Office has done some research and cobbled together some information on what sort of rides are slated to be on offer at the Fair this year, and organizers in Fair Park tell us that they've "never been more convinced that a horrible tragedy will take place involving the rides" than they have been organizing this year's Fair! Anyone else smell "good time"? Here's what you have to look forward to:

• THE VIOLATOR 9000: This delightful ride is the first new ride the Fair's carnie folk have in store for Fair-goers, and it's a doozy. The ride is 3 stories tall and involves strapping oneself into a spinning chamber with no ceiling or floor. As the ride spins, gravity forces riders back against the wall. Sounds pretty standard, right? Not so, because the "Violator 9000" has one, big trick up its sleeve: once the ride reaches 300 revolutions per minute, a domed mechanism at the ride's center opens up and flings large sheets of rusted, corrugated tin at the ride's occupants. The ride's designers assure us it will be a "hair-raising adventure" for anyone brave enough to pay the 10 tickets (equal to $90) to get onboard! Yikes!
• THE WADDLING PENGUIN HOUSE: A wacky spin on the usual "House of Mirrors", the "Waddling Penguin House" is so named for a surprise that occurs later in one's experience inside the House. First, you'll wander down a long, dark hall. This opens up into a chamber filled with partitions and, again, no lights. Where there would normally be distorting mirrors, the "Waddling Penguin House" simply has sheets of plywood painted jet-black. Once one gets close to the exit, a ride employee-- dressed as a lovable penguin-- emerges from the shadows and knee-caps you with a bat. You'll be "Waddling" out of this "House" just like a penguin! And probably around the Fair grounds for the rest of the day! Cost: 15 tickets.
• THE MALEVOLENT SOMBRERO: Dallas citizens may recall the zany "Sombrero" ride that used to operate at Six Flags Over Texas. When that ride was retired, it was purchased by a company called "Carnies United" and converted into this attraction, "The Malevolent Sombrero". The ride is still shaped like an enormous sombrero-style hat, only now riders are handcuffed into position on the ride. Once safely secured and restrained in their seats, a gang from Garland is summoned to rob everyone on the ride at gunpoint. It's like actually being in Matamoros! Cost: 10 tickets, everything in your wallet.

Now, that's not all the rides, but those are the ones that are new this year at the State Fair. I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my knee-caps bashed in at the "Penguin House"! What a treat! And as soon as you're done being thoroughly assaulted by the rides, head on over to the "Games" portion of the Midway. Once again, organizers for the Fair have labored over a new set of games to join the usual "Baseball Toss" and "Beanbag Throw" that have been Fair staples for years. Here's a selection of the new "Games" you can expect to find at the State Fair this year:

• GUESS YOUR BLOOD-TYPE: Similar to the standard "Guess My Weight" and "Guess My Age" booths on the Midway, the "Guess Your Blood-Type" booth costs 5 tickets and will allow a Fair employee to attempt to guess your blood type simply by tasting several drops of your blood. Recycled syringes-- part of the Fair's new "Needle Exchange Over Texas" program-- will be on-hand to help retrieve the blood...and help the carnie solve the mystery! If you stump the carnie, you get a choice of a slightly-used teddy bear, a rubber glove featuring "Mystery Stains" (Ooh, mysterious!), or a date with Erik Estrada.
• WALLET TOSS: A twist on the standard "Beanbag" or "Baseball Toss" midway games, this attraction costs only 2 tickets, making it the best deal on the midway! A stack of cement blocks is set up on a large, Mahogany table inside a tent. Players stand about 15-20 feet away and throw their wallets in an attempt to knock those cinder blocks down! Organizers advise players to leave everything they can in their wallets, just to give them that added "oomph" for knocking over the blocks. If you win, you get your wallet back! If you lose, it's time to get a new wallet and start over!
• DUNKING BOOTH/FRIED MEAT TENT: This attraction is sure to draw controversy: a combination dunking booth and "fried mystery meat" food tent, where participants sit on a platform and attempt to dodge incoming fire from a paintball gun shot by the carnie running the stand. If you stay upright, you win a choice of a pack of Crazy Straws, a handful of ice cubes, or a used hat. If you fall, it's straight down into a cauldron of boiling oil, where you'll be immediately recycled into the Fair's infamous "Fried Mystery Meat" snack. Organizers initially believed that outright cannibalism would be frowned upon at this attraction, but were convinced when Alabama allowed it at their State Fair earlier this year and found it to be a huge success! The cost for this attraction is 7 tickets, but you're also gonna need to bring your sense of balance with you!

It's safe to say that the people behind this year's State Fair have outdone themselves in terms of sheer entertainment value. The Fair is expected to draw over 200,000 people this year, and with attractions like these on hand for families and friends of all ages, it's likely that the Texas State Fair is just going to keep getting bigger and better every year! Be sure to stay tuned for the Comedy Examiner's final entry in the Guide sometime later this week, where we'll be examining the other sites that the Fair has to offer this year, including the wildly popular and in-no-way boring Boat Show.

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