"The Jay Leno Show": Total Clusterf--k

Since its debut, "The Jay Leno Show" has had one problem after another.  First it was the ratings: they started off with a huge opening-- 18m or so people, myself included, watched the opening night show-- and started going downhill almost immediately.  Then there was the critical reaction to the show, which was brutal to say the least.  Now Jay's claiming that the other major networks are "boycotting" his show by keeping their actors and talent off his program. What needs to happen here to save Jay's show?

For one thing, don't mistake my question for fan-based concern: I'm no fan of "The Jay Leno Show".  This dude's jokes are so old and bland, someone keeps threatening to put them in a home.  Can you believe that Jay's still doing that f---ing atrocious "Headlines" bit?  Seriously, he did it on the first episode.  A misprint or play on words in a headline isn't comedy, Jay: it's embarrassing.  The only people that find the "Headlines" bit amusing gave up on comedy long, long ago, so screw 'em, anyway.  If you think "Headlines" is a funny bit, kill yourself.

That sounded harsh, and I apologize.  Perhaps death is a bit much.  Fair enough: if you think "Headlines" is a funny bit, you are grounded from ever entering any discussion relating to comedy for the rest of your life.  If someone's discussing a movie they saw that they found to be particularly funny, you are not allowed to comment.  If someone tells you a joke, you are not allowed to laugh.  If someone asks you what your favorite comedy is, you are to look at the ground and burst into tears, shrieking, "I can only love 'Headlines'!"

Because NBC's been so smug about the fact that "The Jay Leno Show" is going to be an ATM for them, it's hard to drum up any sympathy for the network.  They went outta their way to make sure everyone knew they didn't give a s--- that no one thought the show was funny, and now they're surprised when other networks aren't gonna play ball with them?  Screw off, NBC.  Just don't do anything to "The Office" and we won't have to burn your building to the ground.

It's doubtful that "The Jay Leno Show" is gonna pull outta this nosedive.  What's more likely is that it'll plateau, hitting a low number-- 1.5 sounds too low; my guess is 1.8-- and then staying there until someone gives it the "Old Yeller" and puts a bullet in its head.  But didn't NBC lock Jay up for, like, eternity in his new contract?  I'm relatively sure that if you had a time machine, skipped ahead a decade, and flipped on the TV at 9pm you'd find Jay still doing that god-awful "Headlines" bit.  And it still wouldn't be funny.

Guess we'll just have to wait and see.  I ran a poll on the Examiner asking people what they thought of the show, and at the time I took a count of the votes the show was reading at 65% of viewers saying it was "unfunny".  That's a helluva percentage.  So, I'm curious: if you're reading this website, what's your opinion of Jay's show?  I bet the percentage is even higher; anyone that woulda followed my writing from the Examiner to here would surely not be a fan of Jay's.  Sound off in the comments section, my precious snowflakes.  I'm curious to hear what you have to say.

Until next time, don't forget that I'm still running articles over on The Examiner.  Check out my Examiner page here, which is constantly updated with whatever I've written most recently.  And don't forget to bookmark NiceGuyForHire, too: we're gonna have reviews, interviews, articles, and recaps that you won't be able to get over at the Examiner. You may as well bite the bullet and hit the "Follow" button up top.

Cheers,
Scott Wampler

Tonight on "Larry King Live": Jon Gosselin, Dumbass

 The following is one of the recent articles I ran over at the Examiner.  NiceGuyForHire is going to be publishing some of the articles that I run over there in addition to original material.  If you found this site through a link on the Examiner, feel free to scan down to one of the NGFH exclusive articles.  If not, read on...

 


Oh, what a twisted web we weave: Jon Gosselin was on "Larry King Live" tonight, and one of the biggest topics up for discussion was Jon's assertion that his kids were being more messed up than they already are by the continuing filming of "Jon and Kate + 8" (which, coincidentally, Jon was announced as being not so much a part of anymore by TLC).  Then Larry tossed to some footage that left Jon looking like a fool.  Read on, gentle Examiner readers...

Jon Gosselin is really just grasping at straws at this point.  Earlier in the week, TLC-- who's just about fed up with Jon's nonsense (there's even some reports going around that they're suing his dumb ass)-- announced that the show would henceforth be known as "Kate + 8" and that Jon wouldn't be on the show all that much anymore.

This was followed by a sort-of rebuttal from Jon's camp (read: lawyer), who said that Jon wanted to "postpone" the ongoing/forthcoming divorce in order to "get control" of his family back.  Oh, and he also wanted all the production on the show to, y'know, stop.  What a coincidence, that Jon should start expressing these opinions the moment TLC decided they didn't want him to be a part of the show anymore.  Or, for that matter, collect his $75,000/per episode paycheck.  Surely, these things were unrelated.

Well, Larry King had Jon on this evening, and one of the highlights of the show was Larry showing a clip of Jon defending the filming of the show in reference to the kids.  That would, of course, be the very same children that Jon now believes are being "exploited" by the show.  You smell that, my gentle Examiner readers?  That's the sweet, sweet tanginess of irony (yes, irony is tangy and sweet, like a Starburst, only funnier).

Radar Online has the clip (they wouldn't let me embed it; damn you, Radar!), so head on over there and check that out if you want a big, heaping spoonful of schadenfraude.  Jon's really dug himself a hole on this one.  You're probably wondering (if you're not over at Radar watching the video for yourself) what Jon had to say in response to this video, which would seem to blow about 8 different holes in his argument against TLC continuing filming without him.  Be sure to check out the look on his face while the video's running for bonus snark.

Sayeth the D-uche:

"I'm sorry I said that.  I do make mistakes, as well...if I woulda said opposite of that, that TLC was exploiting the kids, I woulda been in breach of contract."

Here's the thing, though: TLC's contract-- which Jon is clearly very concerned about, as it was important enough for him to make the everyday mistake of allowing his children to be exploited-- also had a clause in it that limited either of the Gosselins from engaging in "unbecoming conduct" (my words, not theirs; I forget their precise terminology at the moment, but same thing).  For someone that was so concerned about TLC's contract, Jon sure didn't have a problem shacking up with one bar skank after another before his marriage was officially dissolved.  Or nailing showgirls out in Vegas (as well as, reportedly, "hitting the white slopes" with the showgirl and a second girl while engaging in "boning").  This has gotta be the most hilariously transparent, bullsh-t attempt at a defense/explanation the Comedy Examiner's Office has ever seen.

So, whatta you tihnk, Examiner readers?  Get to sounding off below, we wanna hear what you thought about Jon's performance on "Larry" last night.  Oh, and while I've got your ear:  the Comedy Examiner has a new website! If you like the Comedy Examiner's articles but just wish they were a little more adult-oriented, a little more snarky, and could cover stuff other than snarky pop culture and comedy, then you are cordially invited over to NiceGuyForHire, the Comedy Examiner's newest site.  It's still a work in progress-- we have alot of cool features planned-- but you can still stop by, leave a comment, and check out some of the articles that aren't running here over there.  Give it a shot! (Note: You're already here)


And stay tuned: there's more Comedy Examiner news coming to you momentarily!

BulletWounds (quick news bites for the reader on the go) #1

 BULLETWOUNDS is a quick news bites thing, stuff that's not long enough for an entire article but is probably relevant to someone, anyway.  New readers may be wondering why the f--- I have so many references to Jon and Kate Gosselin on here: fair question.  The thing is, over at the Examiner the TLC show "Jon and Kate + 8" is one of the most popular topics.  I wrote a bunch of cynical articles mocking the two "stars" of that show, so now I've got a good amount of people following their misadventures through my snarky-ass updates.  "Jon and Kate" is an awful show, but the articles I wrote about 'em last month paid for my electricity bill this month.  Go figure.  Anyway, BULLETWOUNDS will be an ongoing column, so keep an eye out for future installments.

*** Kate Gosselin is telling Jon Gosselin to f--- off.  As you all surely know by now, Jon is in the process of trying to get the couple's much-publicized divorce "postponed".  You kinda get the impression by the way he's acting that when Jon says "postponed", what he really means is, "Holy s---, I'm about to lose my meal-ticket; let's put the brakes on this b-tch right now".  This was news to Kate Gosselin, who issued some statement or another saying that the first she'd heard about it was online.  Furthermore, she ain't budging.  Jon Gosselin, you must have b-lls the size of my b-lls to try and pull of this maneuver.  Weren't you on TV telling America that you "despise" your wife just a couple weeks ago?  What a d-uche. And, what's this?  TLC's threatening to sue him?   I'll have more on that situation in a bit, but for now check out that article on Radar.

*** Speaking of d-uchebags, it's being reported that David Letterman was involved with an extortion case, wherein some giant d-uche tried to blackmail $2m out of him by threatening to go to press with a book (and-- I thought this was an odd detail-- a screenplay?!) that offered up details of Letterman's sexual exploits with female members of his staff.  Dave wrote the dude a bogus check, got the cops involved, and then they arrested his ass.  Apparently, Letterman was in court testifying about this morning.  Here's what I'm wondering: is it really shocking to imagine that Letterman woulda nailed a few of the girls working in his office?  I mean, the dude's one of the most powerful forces in comedy and late-night entertainment: are we to expect that he'd be a eunuch?  There must have been a few, too, if he had enough material for a book.  Bonus points to Letterman for keeping it quiet but still having the balls to get on TV and let everyone in on it.  What I wouldn't give for some video of Letterman testifying in court against the assclown that tried to blackmail him.

*** Here's Michael Bay announcing a third "Transformers" movie for 2011.  Really?!  I don't know if any of you saw that cinematic abortion earlier this summer, but it was mind-blowingly awful.  I didn't even see it in theaters-- I watched a bootleg of it online-- and still couldn't be bothered to finish it.  I wasn't paying and I could not finish it: this is not a good sign for the quality of "Transformers 2".  By the way, if you're law enforcement, I was totally joking about watching a bootleg of it online.  These're just jokes!

*** Jay Leno is saying that other networks are "boycotting him".  Here's the thing: other shows aren't happy about you and your network forsaking quality material in the name of making dolla-dolla bills, Jay.  In fact, there's alot of people that are kinda bent outta shape about the fact that NBC went on record saying that the critics and detractors of the show could suck it, because even with a 1.5 ratings share the show would turn a huge profit for the network.  Maybe if you want other people to play nice, you should let your bosses know not to be such blatant douche bags about what they're doing with their programming. 

*** Straight from Fantastic Fest, this is Devin Faraci (of CHUD fame)'s review of "The Human Centipede: First Sequence".  What's that?  You haven't heard of "Human Centipede"?  Oh, you will.  It's about a crazed, mad scientist who decides to make his very own human centipede.  You know, just for s---s and giggles.  One might wonder how one would go about making a human centipede, and therein lies the big hook for the movie.  In the film, the mad scientist surgically attaches three people together-- two girls and a Japanese dude-- by mouth-to-anus (Kevin Smith's gotta be thrilled that this is coming out soon).  It's gotta be the most twisted idea for a body-horror film ("body-horror": see also the works of David Cronenberg, who incorporates horrific ideas and extreme body modification or mutilation in his films) that I've ever seen.  The film apparently killed down in Austin at FF, and I gotta admit: I'm curious to see it.  Look for some major whining from the fundamentalists when this atrocity gets released.

OK, that's it for now, folks.  I still got two or three articles to write before bedtime.  Check back often, and check back soon.  And be sure to be checking in with my page over at the Examiner; I'm still running stuff over there.  Thanks for coming by!  Make sure to leave a comment or three in the feedback section below.  It's our way of keeping track of you-- how else will we know you were ever here?

Cheers,
Scott Wampler

The first real entry on NiceGuyForHire: welcome!

Well, there's been some technical problems getting the site set up so far.  I'm trying to get some ads up on this bitch-- the better to collect on those page views, my dear (Joker: "If you're good at something, never do it for free")-- and, for whatever reason, the program that I'm using is being enormously stubborn about the whole thing.

This is, essentially, the first real posting on NiceGuyForHire.  I've wrestled with the idea for a first article on here, and after several hours of deliberation I've decided that may be best is an explanation-- a further explanation-- as to why I've decided to set up this second site.  The Examiner's my present home base, but I'd like to think that I can divert at least some of the traffic over here.  The problem, of course, is that the Examiner may believe I'm trying to steal readers away from them; couldn't be further from the truth.

In point of fact, I may be doing them a favor.  In the last few weeks, I've noticed the following: people are fucking douche bags.  I've written close to 200 articles for the Examiner, covering just about everything that's got a relation to comedy (and a few things I had to pound like square pegs into a round hole to get them to fall under that mandated subject's title), and the little counter that reports my page views to me tells me that I've racked up over 90,000 hits in the past couple months. 

To be sure, this is something I'm proud of.  But what troubles me is this: I've already gotten a few complaints from the Examiner about people that haven't taken too kindly to my writing style over there.  The usual complaint is that the articles are too opinionated (the second most popular complaint being "You are stupid"), which is just a fancy way of saying some douche-nozzles didn't agree with something I said.  The thing is, even though we're talking about maybe 25 out of 90,000, I'm concerned the Examiner may get concerned about their readership and pull the plug on my columns.  A few bad apples, and all that.

So, my plan is to put my more opinionated stuff here.  You know, the stuff that deals with politics or religion or contains more adult subject matter.  This isn't a site designed to be read by, say, family-friendly people.  At least, I'd rather it not be.  I'm of the opinion that all those page views I've accumulated had to come from somewhere, and they wouldn't keep coming in if people were turned off by my writing style.  In other words: there's an audience for what I'm putting out there, so let's get those folks reading this site and leave the more prudish folks back over at the Examiner.

Very soon, I'm going to begin linking to this site from my Examiner articles.  If that's how you found this site, I hope you're one of the people that doesn't mind a little profanity and editorializin' in your reading.  And, if you like the stuff that you're reading here, by all means pass links along to your friends.  I'd also like to take on material from other writers, readers, whomever that may have something they'd like to say.  If you've got an idea for an article you'd like to write, hammer it out.  If it's funny and written at even an average skill level, chances are I'll throw it up here.  I'd like to build this site into something worth people visiting, and I'm willing to look at any ways I could go about doing that. 

In the meantime, I gotta write up a few things for the Examiner.  That's when we'll start linking back here.  I also need to re-edit some of my articles to drive some traffic over this way.  Who knows: this whole thing could die right off the bat.  But, again, I'd like to think that 90,000 is indicative of some amount of success in reaching people.  If you're one of 'em, we're happy to have you here.

More to come

Scott Wampler

Examiner Article: Guide to the "State Fair of Texas" (Part One)

"The Comedy Examiner's Guide to The State Fair of Texas" is a multi-part series seeking to provide an ultimate guide to the sights, sounds, and smells of the yearly event in Fair Park. The first part in this series focuses on the wonderful (read: hideous) food you can find while visiting the Fair. Read on, gentle Examiner readers...

First, a note: There's apparently something wrong with the publishing tool that we use to run articles through the Examiner, so I apologize for the slightly wonky looking appearance. The choice is: no articles, wonky-looking articles. I've chosen the former, and I trust you'll be able to handle it.

The idea to write a guide to the State Fair of Texas is one that I've had for awhile, and the Comedy Examiner's Office is very proud to be presenting it to you. There are many areas to cover in this guide, including: The Food, The People, The Sights, and The Rides and Midway. Clearly, this will have to be done in parts; otherwise, you and I'd be here all day, working with a busted-ass publishing tool. And that ain't happening: you have a trip to plan!

The first part of this guide is, of course, "The Food". More than anything else, the State Fair of Texas is known for the heart-stoppingly horrendous "foods" that you can purchase while wandering around the Fairgrounds and avoiding other Fair-goers' B.O. Let me reiterate that: you do not want to wander into the path of some wafting B.O., particularly if the person involved is wearing overalls, and particularly not if you're eating something. You will-- I promise-- vomit so hard your lungs will flee through your rectum.

Every year, each of the local news channels covers the various "foods" that some creative, backwoods-type has cooked up in his trailer park. These foods are invented not to entertain the palate, but rather to quite literally poison all the people eating them. See, the carny folk (and, oh yes, there are many, many carnies at the State Fair; it's like entering a country named "Carnia" when you pass through those gates) do not like the "city folk" that come from as far away as Plano to gaze upon their rusty rides and tremendously boring boat show displays. They want to eliminate us, so that they might claim Plano, Addison, Carrollton, and the like as their own-- I've seen their blueprints. If they get their way, Willow Bend is going to be the biggest K-Mart you've ever seen.

What sorts of food are these carnies inventing? Oh, let me tell you.

The foods basically fall into, well, one category: Fried. If it's a food, and if it should not be ingested as it is because it has a high caloric content, and if it should certainly not be fried, then that's how you're going to discover it at the Fair. This includes Snickers bars, wads of butter, and-- I swear I'm making none of this up-- Coke. Not coke-coke (carnies cannot afford cocaine, but I hear they're perfecting their "Fried Crank" recipe as we speak in a bathtub out in Mesquite), but Coca-Cola. How do they do this? Again, these people run meth labs; why should they have a problem figuring out how to fry a soda?

These foods are, of course, terrible, and exist only to one-up one another in terms of outrageousness. Back in the "olden days"-- as "Fair People" might say-- the most outrageous foodstuff available at the Fair was probably a corn-dog. Not content to ruin the arteries of its visitors with fried pork-parts, the mad chefs of the State Fair of Texas decided to take it a step further: they started selling wads of fried...batter. Toss some powdered sugar on that b-tch, you got a "funnel cake". Once this occurred, the gauntlet was thrown.

Funnel Cake begat fried cheese, and fried cheese begat fried bacon, and fried bacon begat fried Twinkies, and so on and so forth until, just recently, I swear I saw a news report on some jerk-off who'd figured out how to provide "Fried Butter" for anyone brave enough to visit his food stand. This man should be arrested.

While you eat this food and wallow in your own shame and humiliation, you can wander around the Fairgrounds at your leisure, and that's when the real fun starts. Eventually, your body will reject what you have put into it (this takes approximately 4 minutes) and you will be forced to find a bathroom, which at the State Fair of Texas is basically an enlongated trough overseen by men in Nascar shirts and the ever-present and aforementioned bib overalls. This is a cruel trick, to be sure, but you will have no one to blame but yourself: Clem didn't hold a gun to your head to make you buy that "Fried Butterfinger", did he? I didn't see Jessiciah forcing that "Fried Lard Blossom" into your gaping maw. No, this is a gastrointestinal terrorist attack that you have instigated, and good luck ridding yourself of the problem in the Fair's facilities.

Perhaps next time you'll just stick with one of those massive drumsticks. At least those only give you a mild case of salmonella poisoning, which modern medicine (note: not available at the State Fair of Texas) can cure right quick once you get back to your "city house".

Next time, we'll be taking a closer look at some of the people you'll encounter at the State Fair. You know that's gonna be a good one, so be sure to check back with the Comedy Examiner frequently. We'll be running parts of our "Guide to The State Fair of Texas" all week. And when I say "Guide", please read that as "Official Warning".

In the meantime, check out some of these other recent articles from the Comedy Examiner:

"Comedy Perspective: Halloween"-- in which the Comedy Examiner explains the secret purpose behind Halloween (hint: slutty costumes).

"In Praise of Chevy Chase: The Comedy Examiner salutes an icon"--in which we praise the return of the brilliant Chevy Chase to the world of comedy.

"Comedy Examiner Poll: Who are you siding with-- Team Jon or Team Kate?"-- in which we conduct a poll to end all polls regarding the "Jon and Kate" situation.

"NBC confident "The Jay Leno Show" can earn them $300m-- but should it?"-- wherein we look at the toll that "The Jay Leno Show" is taking on the world of comedy, one dollar at a time.

"Comedy Perspective: Is Hailey Glassman really a homewrecker?"-- take the poll and weigh in.

"Comedy Examiner Review: The funniest movie you didn't see this year"-- in which the Comedy Examiner pleads for you to watch "Observe and Report".

"Comedy Examiner True Stories: How to Get Fired From Blockbuster"-- another entry in the "True Stories" series, this one about the Comedy Examiner's tragic firing from Blockbuster.

"Comedy Examiner Review: "It's Always Sunny"-- The Gang Hits The Road"-- review for the latest episode of one of TV's funniest comedies.

"Comedy Examiner Present: Jon and Showgirl + 1"-- in which we report on Jon Gosselin's recent Vegas-set exploits, where what he did there definitely didn't stay there.

Examiner Article: Guide to the "State Fair of Texas" (Part 2)

Just a few days ago, the Comedy Examiner delivered his first part of a "Guide to The State Fair of Texas". That article focused on what sort of food you'd find at the Fair, and now the Comedy Examiner turns his attention to the kind of people you're likely to find when you visit the event. Read on, gentle Examiner readers (and remember: it's all in good fun)...

The Texas State Fair: few things are more celebrated in the city of Dallas or the state of Texas. Dallas has long since held an enormous amount of pride in their yearly event, which features hideous food, rusty carnival rides that are likely to decapitate you, and overalls as far as the eye can see. But navigating the Fair's turbulent waters can be tricky, and that's why your friendly neighborhood Comedy Examiner has compiled this guide for those entering the gates at Fair Park for the first time.

Last week, we focused on the food that you'd find at the Fair. You know: random household objects and barely edible foodstuffs battered and deep-fried to perfection, some of them dusted in a fine layer of powdered sugar. Surely, if you hate being even remotely healthy, you're gonna wanna eat at the Fair as soon as possible.

This time, the Comedy Examiner's "Guide to The State Fair" focuses on the people you're likely to meet. Now, this section of the guide can be kind of tricky: as we mentioned, the Fair is a source of pride for many people, and they don't take kindly to fancy-lad city boys coming along and poking gentle fun at their traditions. It is very likely, in fact, that a group of toothless villagers in NASCAR shirts will arrive at my door to string me up for what I'm about to advise you on. But cry not for the Comedy Examiner; he knows that those with a good sense of humor will take it all in stride.

Upon arriving at the Fair, the first person you'll meet is Guy Charging Way Too Much For Parking in What Looks Suspiciously Like Someone's Front Yard. This gentleman will shout every word that he wants to communicate at you from across a short distance, and he will tip you a grateful wink when you pass him the $75 he's asking for in order to park between someone's porch and mailbox. This gentleman will be oddly absent when you return to your car later in the evening and discover that it's A) on blocks and missing every door, seat, and radio knob, B) been spray-painted with unintelligible gang symbols and love declarations from someone named "Raoul" to "Esmerelda", or C) been towed to a place far, far away.

Your parking mission complete, it's time to head into the Fair. It's at this stage of your adventure that you'll notice the "3 Main Person Types" in the crowd, which can be broken down as such:

• Man in Inappropriate Hat With Children Eating Funnelcake-- This gentleman is wearing a hat that says something along the lines of "Smile if you're not wearing panties" or "I party naked" and is lugging around a group of small children smearing funnel cake onto their scabbed and dirty faces. It's like a Norman Rockwell painting come to life!
• Woman in Way Too Tight Top Wearing Too Much Turquoise Jewelry and Eating Something Big on a Stick-- It's here that you begin to notice a common trait amongst Fair-goers: they're all eating something. As my original article detailed, stuffing your fat face with a series of heart-murdering snacks is a grand tradition at the Fair, and this woman does so while wearing a tangerine-colored tube-top that a hamster couldn't fit into. She also appears to have been attacked with a Bedazzler that's filled with "Turquoise Quartz" cartridges. She may or may not be at the Fair with "Man in Inappropriate Hat".
• Suburbanite Parents Horrified to Have Brought Their Children to This Terrifying Place-- Finally, there's this pair, who have a grimacing smile plastered on their faces throughout their day at the Fair. They hug their children close to their bodies and reek of desperation. They cannot imagine why they thought exposing their children to carnie-folk, fried Snickers bars, and viciously dangerous rides made out of rusted sheet metal was a good idea, and they would return to their cars and flee if they hadn't had their car keys stolen immediately upon entering the Fair.

That's it: that's the only people at the Fair.

But that doesn't mean that's the only people you'll meet! Why, there's also the Carnies That Run The Midway's Rides and Games-- a favorite spot for anyone attending the Fair. The men running the "games" (read: elaborate con-games meant to take your every last dollar) will leer at your wife/girlfriend in a friendly, suggestive manner; they're so happy to see you! But not as happy as the gentlemen running the rides: he's easy to spot because his constant sweating makes him appear to be melting where he stands, and his distinctive, flowery B.O. will make any ride you attempt to get killed on a memorable experience!

Finally, we have the "Security" Guards. The men and women of the Dallas Police Department who have been put in charge of keeping the Fairgrounds safe are there to help you by outright ignoring every pickpotting, mugging, and hate crime that takes place more than five feet away from them. Because these officers have been "Assigned" to the Fair (read: are in trouble for something at the station and have thus pulled the dreaded "Fair Duty", second only to "Movie Theater Duty" in terms of shameful assignments), they're far more interested in checking their text messages and standing in whatever shade they can find than making sure that "beating" doesn't turn into a festive, State Fair "murdering".

As you can see, the State Fair of Texas is filled to the brimming point with interesting characters and lovable criminals of all varieties. Pair some interaction with any of these people up with some of the fine, Fair cuisine on display and you've got yourself a great vacation that's horrifyingly no more than 30 minutes away from wherever you live!

We'll be back with our next part of the Comedy Examiner's "Guide to The State Fair" very soon, but in the meantime, why not check out some of these other recent articles from the Comedy Examiner's Office:

"Comedy Examiner's Guide to The State Fair of TX, part one: The Food"-- in which we examine what sort of food-related adventures you might have at the State Fair this year!

"Funny Video of The Day #1: The Black Hole"-- a new column from the Comedy Examiner that brings you one of the funniest videos on the internet, once a day, every day. Because you can't find 'em yourself!

"SNL's "F-Bomb" dropping cast member will not be (bleep)ing fired, says NBC"--in which we give the dead horse one, last brutal whack and report that Jenny Slate isn't f---ing going anywhere.

"Have they stripped all the Ha-Ha outta Nightmare on Elm Street?"-- in which we look at the badass new trailer for the "Nightmare" remake and consider the idea that all the ha-ha has been surgically removed from the series.

"Michael Moore's new movie sets box office record-- are you gonna see it?"--in which we ask Examiner readers if they'll be checking out Moore's latest movie, and note that it set a box office record this weekend.

"Matt Damon totally loses his sh-t in this on-set freakout video"-- in which we go back to "Christian Bale Freakout World", this time with Matt Damon as our guide.

"Reviewed: Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 7, episode 2"-- in which the Comedy Examiner reviews the latest episode of "Curb" for your viewing pleasure.

"Reviewed: Bored to Death, Season 1, episode 2"-- in which we, Oh, you get the idea. Just read the damn review. And watch the show, if you're not already.

"Jon and Kate + 8 Poll: The results are too close to call!"-- in which the commenters freak out because this poll isn't "scientific" enough (translation: whoever they were rooting for didn't come out on top).

Examiner Article: Guide to the "State Fair of Texas" (Part 3)

"The Comedy Examiner's Guide to The State Fair of Texas" is an ongoing, multi-part series seeking to provide an ultimate guide to the sights, sounds, and smells of the yearly event in Fair Park. The third part in this series focuses on the con-games and borderline homicidal rides you'll find on the Midway. Read on, gentle Examiner readers...

This is part three in the Comedy Examiner' "Guide to The State Fair of Texas", and if you're just joining us, you may want to take a look back at where it all began. Part One concerns "The Food" of the Fair in all its horrible glory; Part Two tells you all you need to know about "The People" that you'll encounter down in Fair Park come Fair time. Get caught up, and then come right on back, folks.

Now we move on to the third portion of our Guide: "The Rides and Midway" that you'll take part in at the Fair. This is generally everyone's favorite part of the experience, much like how people who have lived through a brutal beating will tell you their favorite part of the attack was "when the person beating me paused to take a breath": it's all relative.

The Midway is populated by the same sort of carnie-folk that operate the "Food" stands at the Fair. Generally, these carnies are distinguished by their "wife-beater"-style shirts, enormous wads of cherry Skol lodged firmly between tooth (just one) and lip, and overall greasiness-- which is slightly more greasy than the rest of the people you may encounter while at the Fair. Some of them are operating the rides, some of them are selling tickets for the rides, some of them are selling tickets to buy tickets for the rides, and some of them are operating short-con "games" that are just dandy at making you feel utterly humiliated and ashamed on the long ride home from the Fair.

Let's go through this one part at a time, starting with the rides. The Comedy Examiner's Office has done some research and cobbled together some information on what sort of rides are slated to be on offer at the Fair this year, and organizers in Fair Park tell us that they've "never been more convinced that a horrible tragedy will take place involving the rides" than they have been organizing this year's Fair! Anyone else smell "good time"? Here's what you have to look forward to:

• THE VIOLATOR 9000: This delightful ride is the first new ride the Fair's carnie folk have in store for Fair-goers, and it's a doozy. The ride is 3 stories tall and involves strapping oneself into a spinning chamber with no ceiling or floor. As the ride spins, gravity forces riders back against the wall. Sounds pretty standard, right? Not so, because the "Violator 9000" has one, big trick up its sleeve: once the ride reaches 300 revolutions per minute, a domed mechanism at the ride's center opens up and flings large sheets of rusted, corrugated tin at the ride's occupants. The ride's designers assure us it will be a "hair-raising adventure" for anyone brave enough to pay the 10 tickets (equal to $90) to get onboard! Yikes!
• THE WADDLING PENGUIN HOUSE: A wacky spin on the usual "House of Mirrors", the "Waddling Penguin House" is so named for a surprise that occurs later in one's experience inside the House. First, you'll wander down a long, dark hall. This opens up into a chamber filled with partitions and, again, no lights. Where there would normally be distorting mirrors, the "Waddling Penguin House" simply has sheets of plywood painted jet-black. Once one gets close to the exit, a ride employee-- dressed as a lovable penguin-- emerges from the shadows and knee-caps you with a bat. You'll be "Waddling" out of this "House" just like a penguin! And probably around the Fair grounds for the rest of the day! Cost: 15 tickets.
• THE MALEVOLENT SOMBRERO: Dallas citizens may recall the zany "Sombrero" ride that used to operate at Six Flags Over Texas. When that ride was retired, it was purchased by a company called "Carnies United" and converted into this attraction, "The Malevolent Sombrero". The ride is still shaped like an enormous sombrero-style hat, only now riders are handcuffed into position on the ride. Once safely secured and restrained in their seats, a gang from Garland is summoned to rob everyone on the ride at gunpoint. It's like actually being in Matamoros! Cost: 10 tickets, everything in your wallet.

Now, that's not all the rides, but those are the ones that are new this year at the State Fair. I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my knee-caps bashed in at the "Penguin House"! What a treat! And as soon as you're done being thoroughly assaulted by the rides, head on over to the "Games" portion of the Midway. Once again, organizers for the Fair have labored over a new set of games to join the usual "Baseball Toss" and "Beanbag Throw" that have been Fair staples for years. Here's a selection of the new "Games" you can expect to find at the State Fair this year:

• GUESS YOUR BLOOD-TYPE: Similar to the standard "Guess My Weight" and "Guess My Age" booths on the Midway, the "Guess Your Blood-Type" booth costs 5 tickets and will allow a Fair employee to attempt to guess your blood type simply by tasting several drops of your blood. Recycled syringes-- part of the Fair's new "Needle Exchange Over Texas" program-- will be on-hand to help retrieve the blood...and help the carnie solve the mystery! If you stump the carnie, you get a choice of a slightly-used teddy bear, a rubber glove featuring "Mystery Stains" (Ooh, mysterious!), or a date with Erik Estrada.
• WALLET TOSS: A twist on the standard "Beanbag" or "Baseball Toss" midway games, this attraction costs only 2 tickets, making it the best deal on the midway! A stack of cement blocks is set up on a large, Mahogany table inside a tent. Players stand about 15-20 feet away and throw their wallets in an attempt to knock those cinder blocks down! Organizers advise players to leave everything they can in their wallets, just to give them that added "oomph" for knocking over the blocks. If you win, you get your wallet back! If you lose, it's time to get a new wallet and start over!
• DUNKING BOOTH/FRIED MEAT TENT: This attraction is sure to draw controversy: a combination dunking booth and "fried mystery meat" food tent, where participants sit on a platform and attempt to dodge incoming fire from a paintball gun shot by the carnie running the stand. If you stay upright, you win a choice of a pack of Crazy Straws, a handful of ice cubes, or a used hat. If you fall, it's straight down into a cauldron of boiling oil, where you'll be immediately recycled into the Fair's infamous "Fried Mystery Meat" snack. Organizers initially believed that outright cannibalism would be frowned upon at this attraction, but were convinced when Alabama allowed it at their State Fair earlier this year and found it to be a huge success! The cost for this attraction is 7 tickets, but you're also gonna need to bring your sense of balance with you!

It's safe to say that the people behind this year's State Fair have outdone themselves in terms of sheer entertainment value. The Fair is expected to draw over 200,000 people this year, and with attractions like these on hand for families and friends of all ages, it's likely that the Texas State Fair is just going to keep getting bigger and better every year! Be sure to stay tuned for the Comedy Examiner's final entry in the Guide sometime later this week, where we'll be examining the other sites that the Fair has to offer this year, including the wildly popular and in-no-way boring Boat Show.

And, while you're here, check out some of these other recent articles from the Comedy Examiner:

"BOMBSHELL: Faced with losing funding for his Ed Hardy shirts, Jon Gosselin postpones divorce"-- Just click the damn link and read about the dirtbag.

"Pictures of Mel Gibson with a beaver on his hand, screaming. Seriously."-- in which we...oh, ya know what? Just click the damn link. This picture is priceless.

"Funny Video of The Day #2.5: When Celebrities Attack, Awkwardly"-- in which Wolverine and James Bond get all medievel on some rube with a cellphone.

"Video of Conan O'Brien Getting a Concussion"-- in which "The Tonight Show" host takes a dive. Hard.

"Comedy Examiner Poll: Family Guy VS The Simpsons"-- in which we settle the debate of Simpsons VS Unfunny Animated Comedy by Seth McFarland. I mean, Family Guy. Get voting, people.

"Funny Video of The Day #2"-- in which a very, very stupid person can't seem to navigate an automatic door. Must be seen to be believed.

"Zombieland reviews coming in: This movie sounds great"-- in which we look at the early word on next weekend's horror/comedy hybrid, "Zombieland".

"Jon and Kate + Comedy Examiner: Tea Party and Snakes"-- in which the Comedy Examiner trudges through another recap for TLC's mindnumbingly boring (and snark-worthy) series.

"Comedy Examiner's Guide to The State Fair of Texas, part two: The People"-- in which the Comedy Examiner tells you what kind of people you'll meet at the upcoming Texas State Fair.

What the hell is wrong with Japan?

Is it racist to say that Japan puts some bizarre, unsettling, creepy, and horrifying things on their TV networks in the name of entertainment? Is that racist? Should I not have done that? I'll let you be the judge. Take a gander at this bizarre video straight offa Japan's airwaves...and into our hearts (cue romantic music). Read on, gentle Examiner readers...

I have seen some of the most bizarre things I've ever seen in my life in online clips from Japanese TV shows. They have gameshows where dudes have to wear diapers and clench coconuts between their butt cheeks while running on a treadmill cranked up to 30 miles per hour all to win 1,000 yen, which roughly translates to...yes, I think it's $1 million (US) these days. I could be a little off on that.

Generally, I ignore this sort of thing, but today-- by way of Warming Glow, the awesome TV snark site-- I came across this little gem. Something tells me I'm not going to be getting alot of sleep tonight. And, as such, I thought I'd share my nightmare with you:

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with Japanese TV shows? Do they look at some of the stuff we're doing and feel their sanity slipping away as we do when we gaze upon their televised horrors? Surely there's nothing on American television that's this creepy, right?

I see your point, Japan. Although, I hear "Super Happy Trenchcoat Cowboy Man Adventures" is set to be a big hit when it debuts over there in a couple of months. Have fun with it, Japan. We already had out turn.
And, with that, another slow-news-day article has had its way with you. My suggestion? Keep the party going by checking out these other recent articles from the Comedy Examiner. They're of varying entertainment value, but they're free, so who are you to complain? And, if you like what you're seeing, join the millions of others who have already hit the "Subscribe" button up top. You'll get every Comedy Examiner article sent straight to your email as soon as they're published, free of charge, and believe us: they're a great way to brighten up an otherwise boring day at work. You can't play Solitaire forever, folks. Check some of these recent articles out, or else:

"Submit your snarky questions for Jon Gosselin's "Larry King Live" appearance here!"-- that's right, America's Favorite D0uche is going to be on "Larry King": don't ya wanna ask him a thing or two? Do it here.

"Top 4 Funniest Things in the new "Twilight" Poster"-- the Comedy Examiner goes to work on the latest poster for the newest "Twilight" film. Exciting, I know. Gimme a break, guys: slow news day.

"Obama White House and Saturday Night Live: what's the connection?"-- you can find out by clicking the link, slappy.

"Ready for more "Fockers"? No? Too bad, you're getting it, anyway"-- in which we get some news regardin the latest entry in the "Fockers" series. I weep for the future.

"Hell's Kitchen" star Gordon Ramsay's new show is...animated?"-- yeah, you heard me right. Check out this weird ass picture we have of Gordon in puppet form. Creeeeepy.

"The Jay Leno Show" gets sexy with Bill Maher-- wait, what?!"-- in which Bill Maher drops by and makes with the sexy-time on Jay's show. It's as weird as it sounds.

"The Comedy Examiner's Guide to The State Fair of TX (part 3): The Rides & Midway"-- in which we examine what sorts of rides and games are being offered at the Fair this year. Terrifying.

"BOMBSHELL: Faced with losing funding for his Ed Hardy shirts, Jon Gosselin postpones divorce"-- Just click the damn link and read about the dirtbag.

"Pictures of Mel Gibson with a beaver on his hand, screaming. Seriously."-- in which we...oh, ya know what? Just click the damn link. This picture is priceless.

"Funny Video of The Day #2.5: When Celebrities Attack, Awkwardly"-- in which Wolverine and James Bond get all medievel on some rube with a cellphone.

Examiner Article: What's the White House/Harry Potter connection?

This is just ridiculous. But also pretty hilarious. Then, when you think about it for long enough, it goes from hilarious to scary. Further thinking will cause it to become absurd, then sad, and, finally, you'll just shrug your shoulders and say, "At least that idiot's gone". Yes, the Bush White House feared the promotion of witchcraft in the Harry Potter books. I swear I am not making this up. Don't believe me? Read on, gentle Examiner readers...

Listen, frequent readers of the Comedy Examiner's article may have picked up on the none-too-original idea that the Comedy Examiner was no fan of President Bush. Rather than get into a long dissertation on why this guy was such a clown, I instead present the following information:

The Bush White House had staffers that believed J.K. Rowling's "Harry Potter" books encouraged witchcraft.

Take a minute to let that thought sink in. The leader of the free world had staffers that thought that a series of kid's books about a nerdy wizard with a wand and some magic potions was dangerous in real life because they encouraged children to get involved in witchcraft. You simply cannot make things like this up; it sounds like a rejected "Saturday Night Live" sketch. Let's look at this a little more closely:

Over at Think Progress, they're running this article. In the article, they point out a few hilarious anecdotes from the forthcoming book "Speechless: Tales of a White House Survivor" by former Bush speech writer Matt Latimer. In this particular excerpt, the Bush administration had been considering author J.K. Rowling for a Presidential Medal of Freedom for her work on the "Harry Potter" series. What that has to do with freedom is anyone's guess, but I suppose they were just looking to bring a little star power to the medal-awarding ceremony that year. In the book, there's this passage:

This was the same sort of narrow thinking that led people in the White House to actually object to giving the author J.K. Rowling a presidential medal because the Harry Potter books encouraged withcraft.

Yep, that's easily the most ridiculous thing I've seen all day, and remember that in the past few days I've seen pictures of Mel Gibson wearing a beaver on his hand, a dude slamming into an automatic door because he can't figure out how to operate it, and the new "Twilight" poster. My life is filled with ridiculous encounters, and this one takes the cake for "Most Absurd of The Week"-- a high honor, to be sure.

Whatta you think about all this, Examiner readers? Is it funny, or is it scary? Is it both, like "Scream"? Or are we both wrong and it's just sad? Sound off with a comment in the comments section below. I'd love to hear what you think about this nonsense.

And, with that, another slow-news-day article has had its way with you. My suggestion? Keep the party going by checking out these other recent articles from the Comedy Examiner. They're of varying entertainment value, but they're free, so who are you to complain? And, if you like what you're seeing, join the millions of others who have already hit the "Subscribe" button up top. You'll get every Comedy Examiner article sent straight to your email as soon as they're published, free of charge, and believe us: they're a great way to brighten up an otherwise boring day at work. You can't play Solitaire forever, folks. Check some of these recent articles out, or else:

"Submit your snarky questions for Jon Gosselin's "Larry King Live" appearance here!"-- that's right, America's Favorite D0uche is going to be on "Larry King": don't ya wanna ask him a thing or two? Do it here.

"Top 4 Funniest Things in the new "Twilight" Poster"-- the Comedy Examiner goes to work on the latest poster for the newest "Twilight" film. Exciting, I know. Gimme a break, guys: slow news day.

"Obama White House and Saturday Night Live: what's the connection?"-- you can find out by clicking the link, slappy.

"Ready for more "Fockers"? No? Too bad, you're getting it, anyway"-- in which we get some news regardin the latest entry in the "Fockers" series. I weep for the future.

"Hell's Kitchen" star Gordon Ramsay's new show is...animated?"-- yeah, you heard me right. Check out this weird ass picture we have of Gordon in puppet form. Creeeeepy.

"The Jay Leno Show" gets sexy with Bill Maher-- wait, what?!"-- in which Bill Maher drops by and makes with the sexy-time on Jay's show. It's as weird as it sounds.

"The Comedy Examiner's Guide to The State Fair of TX (part 3): The Rides & Midway"-- in which we examine what sorts of rides and games are being offered at the Fair this year. Terrifying.

"BOMBSHELL: Faced with losing funding for his Ed Hardy shirts, Jon Gosselin postpones divorce"-- Just click the damn link and read about the dirtbag.

"Pictures of Mel Gibson with a beaver on his hand, screaming. Seriously."-- in which we...oh, ya know what? Just click the damn link. This picture is priceless.

"Funny Video of The Day #2.5: When Celebrities Attack, Awkwardly"-- in which Wolverine and James Bond get all medievel on some rube with a cellphone.

Examiner Article: "The Jay Leno Show"-- are the ratings set for a turnaround?

"The Jay Leno Show" has experienced several rough weeks: the ratings have gone up and down (mostly down), the critics haven't been kind, and NBC made a public display of mentioning that they didn't really care how funny the show was as long as it made money. But this week, Leno's show showed some signs of life. Is it headed for an upward trend? The Comedy Examiner, uh, examines. Read on, gentle Examiner readers...

"The Jay Leno Show" has been a punching bag for snarky internet writers, TV critics, and comedy fans (not to mention fans of Letterman and Conan) since it went live several weeks ago. The main criticism-- that the show just isn't that funny-- has been generally agreed upon as the reason the ratings have continued to slide. Things have not been looking good for Jay's new show.

But just this week, CBS pushed a new show in its second week, "The Forgotten", opposite Jay's show with every expectation of kicking Leno's chin all the way out into the parking lot. "The Forgotten" is the latest offering from producer Jerry Bruckheimer ("CSI", "Without a Trace") and stars Christian Slater as some guy who does some stuff while action goes on around him. It's one of those shows. There's a bajillion of them on TV right now.

Anyway, here are the ratings as reported on AICN. The numbers in parenthesis are last week's numbers:

4.6 (4.8) NCIS
4.1 (4.4) NCIS Los Angeles
3.6 (3.1) The Biggest Loser
3.1 (3.1) The Good Wife
3.1 (3.2) Hell’s Kitchen
2.6 (3.5) Dancing With The Stars
2.4 (----) So You Think You Can Dance
2.3 (2.5) The Jay Leno Show
2.0 (2.6) The Forgotten
1.5 (----) Shark Tank
1.2 (1.0) 90210
0.8 (0.8) Melrose Place

As you can see, while "The Jay Leno Show" continued its ratings drop, it still kicked the p-ss out of "The Forgotten" (those numbers do, in fact, translate to a p-ss-kicking, trust me), which dropped a massive .6 from the week before. Additionally, it was edged out just barely, numbers-wise, by the season premiere of "So You Think You Can Dance", a show that also expected to do much higher numbers this week (by the way, did you hear the controversy about the whole "Vagina-gate" thing on SYTYCD? Pretty classy, FOX, considering the show isn't even live).

Whatta you think, folks? Can Jay turn this sinking ship around? Generally, sinking ships aren't "turned around", but rather saved from sinking. So, perhaps we should ask: Can Jay stop the ship from sinking any more than it already has? Are you still onboard with his show? A Comedy Examiner poll from last week showed that about 65% of viewers (770 votes and counting) think the show isn't funny, which-- again-- is believed to be the reason the show's suffered in the ratings so far. So, my gentle Examiner readers: are you encouraged by this news? Does Christian Slater deserve a good ass-beating? Sound off in the comments section below, people.

And, while you're here, check out some of these other recent articles from the Comedy Examiner:

"Is the White House really afraid of witchcraft?"-- the answer may surprise you, "Harry Potter" fans.

"Submit your questions for Larry King to ask d-uchebag Jon Gosselin here!"-- in which you can submit questions for Larry King to ask Jon Gosselin when he meets him tomorrow night. Seriously.

"Top 4 Funniest Things in the new "Twilight" Poster"-- the Comedy Examiner goes to work on the latest poster for the newest "Twilight" film. Exciting, I know. Gimme a break, guys: slow news day.

"Obama White House and Saturday Night Live: what's the connection?"-- you can find out by clicking the link, slappy.

"Ready for more "Fockers"? No? Too bad, you're getting it, anyway"-- in which we get some news regardin the latest entry in the "Fockers" series. I weep for the future.

"Hell's Kitchen" star Gordon Ramsay's new show is...animated?"-- yeah, you heard me right. Check out this weird ass picture we have of Gordon in puppet form. Creeeeepy.

"The Jay Leno Show" gets sexy with Bill Maher-- wait, what?!"-- in which Bill Maher drops by and makes with the sexy-time on Jay's show. It's as weird as it sounds.

"The Comedy Examiner's Guide to The State Fair of TX (part 3): The Rides & Midway"-- in which we examine what sorts of rides and games are being offered at the Fair this year. Terrifying.

"BOMBSHELL: Faced with losing funding for his Ed Hardy shirts, Jon Gosselin postpones divorce"-- Just click the damn link and read about the dirtbag.

Welcome to "Nice Guy For Hire"

Hello, folks! My name's Scott Wampler, and I'm a standup comic/humor writer from Dallas. Currently, I'm writing as the "Comedy Examiner" for Examiner.com. There's been some uproar over there lately, however, as some people feel that I'm editorializing my articles too much; I don't agree.

For example, I wrote an article about Rush Limbaugh recently. Here's the opening paragraph, you can tell me if you think it's editorialized:

"Rush Limbaugh is a f--king racist imbecile who should have piano wire wrapped around his scrotum, be strung up from the nearest tree (strong branches a must!), and shot in the face with a paintball gun loaded with paintballs filled with poo. Also, he's a radio talk show host."

Ain't nothin' goin' on but the news right there, people. How about this sentence, from an article about "Transformers 2" director Michael Bay:

"Michael Bay f---s puppies. I've seen it. Also, he's the director of 'Transformers 2'."

What's editorialized about these statements? Hell if I know, but people are getting riled up. And, because I'm no fool and have had my mouth get me into trouble before, I've decided to set up this blog as a way to back-up some of my Examiner articles and offer some of my more opinionated pieces without fear of reprisal. It is my hope that you will read some of the articles here and point your friends and neighbors in their general direction.

Well, not the "general direction", but instead the specific direction. It's even got an easy-to-remember name: "NiceGuyForHire.Blogspot.com". Yes, it makes me sound like a gigolo, but careful research done in the Nice Guy For Hire Offices shows that cougars are some of my biggest readers, so the more the merrier (also, I can be rented for cheap).

Feel free to go the other way, too (not like that) and check out some of my articles over at the Examiner (while I'm still writing there). Here's the link to my title's homepage over there. You'll find nearly 200 articles I've written over there, along with some stuff that won't be available here.

So, welcome. Good to have you here. We hope you enjoy what you read, and as always NiceGuyForHire accepts feedback of all kinds. So, if you see something you don't like, get on it. Let us know. We'll mock and ridicule you for daring to go up against the site. But if you see something you like and mention it, you may be rewarded with a lollipop (that's the NiceGuyForHire way).

Cheers,
Scott Wampler
NiceGuyForHire