Just a few days ago, the Comedy Examiner delivered his first part of a "Guide to The State Fair of Texas". That article focused on what sort of food you'd find at the Fair, and now the Comedy Examiner turns his attention to the kind of people you're likely to find when you visit the event. Read on, gentle Examiner readers (and remember: it's all in good fun)...
The Texas State Fair: few things are more celebrated in the city of Dallas or the state of Texas. Dallas has long since held an enormous amount of pride in their yearly event, which features hideous food, rusty carnival rides that are likely to decapitate you, and overalls as far as the eye can see. But navigating the Fair's turbulent waters can be tricky, and that's why your friendly neighborhood Comedy Examiner has compiled this guide for those entering the gates at Fair Park for the first time.
Last week, we focused on the food that you'd find at the Fair. You know: random household objects and barely edible foodstuffs battered and deep-fried to perfection, some of them dusted in a fine layer of powdered sugar. Surely, if you hate being even remotely healthy, you're gonna wanna eat at the Fair as soon as possible.
This time, the Comedy Examiner's "Guide to The State Fair" focuses on the people you're likely to meet. Now, this section of the guide can be kind of tricky: as we mentioned, the Fair is a source of pride for many people, and they don't take kindly to fancy-lad city boys coming along and poking gentle fun at their traditions. It is very likely, in fact, that a group of toothless villagers in NASCAR shirts will arrive at my door to string me up for what I'm about to advise you on. But cry not for the Comedy Examiner; he knows that those with a good sense of humor will take it all in stride.
Upon arriving at the Fair, the first person you'll meet is Guy Charging Way Too Much For Parking in What Looks Suspiciously Like Someone's Front Yard. This gentleman will shout every word that he wants to communicate at you from across a short distance, and he will tip you a grateful wink when you pass him the $75 he's asking for in order to park between someone's porch and mailbox. This gentleman will be oddly absent when you return to your car later in the evening and discover that it's A) on blocks and missing every door, seat, and radio knob, B) been spray-painted with unintelligible gang symbols and love declarations from someone named "Raoul" to "Esmerelda", or C) been towed to a place far, far away.
Your parking mission complete, it's time to head into the Fair. It's at this stage of your adventure that you'll notice the "3 Main Person Types" in the crowd, which can be broken down as such:
- Man in Inappropriate Hat With Children Eating Funnelcake-- This gentleman is wearing a hat that says something along the lines of "Smile if you're not wearing panties" or "I party naked" and is lugging around a group of small children smearing funnel cake onto their scabbed and dirty faces. It's like a Norman Rockwell painting come to life!
- Woman in Way Too Tight Top Wearing Too Much Turquoise Jewelry and Eating Something Big on a Stick-- It's here that you begin to notice a common trait amongst Fair-goers: they're all eating something. As my original article detailed, stuffing your fat face with a series of heart-murdering snacks is a grand tradition at the Fair, and this woman does so while wearing a tangerine-colored tube-top that a hamster couldn't fit into. She also appears to have been attacked with a Bedazzler that's filled with "Turquoise Quartz" cartridges. She may or may not be at the Fair with "Man in Inappropriate Hat".
- Suburbanite Parents Horrified to Have Brought Their Children to This Terrifying Place-- Finally, there's this pair, who have a grimacing smile plastered on their faces throughout their day at the Fair. They hug their children close to their bodies and reek of desperation. They cannot imagine why they thought exposing their children to carnie-folk, fried Snickers bars, and viciously dangerous rides made out of rusted sheet metal was a good idea, and they would return to their cars and flee if they hadn't had their car keys stolen immediately upon entering the Fair.
That's it: that's the only people at the Fair.
But that doesn't mean that's the only people you'll meet! Why, there's also the Carnies That Run The Midway's Rides and Games-- a favorite spot for anyone attending the Fair. The men running the "games" (read: elaborate con-games meant to take your every last dollar) will leer at your wife/girlfriend in a friendly, suggestive manner; they're so happy to see you! But not as happy as the gentlemen running the rides: he's easy to spot because his constant sweating makes him appear to be melting where he stands, and his distinctive, flowery B.O. will make any ride you attempt to get killed on a memorable experience!
Finally, we have the "Security" Guards. The men and women of the Dallas Police Department who have been put in charge of keeping the Fairgrounds safe are there to help you by outright ignoring every pickpotting, mugging, and hate crime that takes place more than five feet away from them. Because these officers have been "Assigned" to the Fair (read: are in trouble for something at the station and have thus pulled the dreaded "Fair Duty", second only to "Movie Theater Duty" in terms of shameful assignments), they're far more interested in checking their text messages and standing in whatever shade they can find than making sure that "beating" doesn't turn into a festive, State Fair "murdering".
As you can see, the State Fair of Texas is filled to the brimming point with interesting characters and lovable criminals of all varieties. Pair some interaction with any of these people up with some of the fine, Fair cuisine on display and you've got yourself a great vacation that's horrifyingly no more than 30 minutes away from wherever you live!
We'll be back with our next part of the Comedy Examiner's "Guide to The State Fair" very soon, but in the meantime, why not check out some of these other recent articles from the Comedy Examiner's Office:
"Comedy Examiner's Guide to The State Fair of TX, part one: The Food"-- in which we examine what sort of food-related adventures you might have at the State Fair this year!
"Funny Video of The Day #1: The Black Hole"-- a new column from the Comedy Examiner that brings you one of the funniest videos on the internet, once a day, every day. Because you can't find 'em yourself!
"SNL's "F-Bomb" dropping cast member will not be (bleep)ing fired, says NBC"--in which we give the dead horse one, last brutal whack and report that Jenny Slate isn't f---ing going anywhere.
"Have they stripped all the Ha-Ha outta Nightmare on Elm Street?"-- in which we look at the badass new trailer for the "Nightmare" remake and consider the idea that all the ha-ha has been surgically removed from the series.
"Michael Moore's new movie sets box office record-- are you gonna see it?"--in which we ask Examiner readers if they'll be checking out Moore's latest movie, and note that it set a box office record this weekend.
"Matt Damon totally loses his sh-t in this on-set freakout video"-- in which we go back to "Christian Bale Freakout World", this time with Matt Damon as our guide.
"Reviewed: Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 7, episode 2"-- in which the Comedy Examiner reviews the latest episode of "Curb" for your viewing pleasure.
"Reviewed: Bored to Death, Season 1, episode 2"-- in which we, Oh, you get the idea. Just read the damn review. And watch the show, if you're not already.
"Jon and Kate + 8 Poll: The results are too close to call!"-- in which the commenters freak out because this poll isn't "scientific" enough (translation: whoever they were rooting for didn't come out on top).
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