Holy sh-t, was that a pain in the @$$

First of all, a note on swearing:  I was trying to set up the Google AdSense program for this site to get some revenue going from the hits that I'd bring in, and there's a few problems with that.  One, Google doesn't like associating its products with swearing.  You can get Google to help you locate virtually every porn site in the world, but if you swear on a blog?  Well, you're outta luck, buddy.  What people's problem with swearing is, is beyond me.  F-ck 'em.  I've gotta keep the blog edited in order to maintain the AdSense, but even that seems absurd, as the program pays fractions of a cent per hit.  Stupid Google.

Anyway, yesterday I had a fun experience: someone tattled on me over at the Examiner for forgetting to put labels on the pictures I was using for my articles-- I knew I oughtta be doing this, but, frankly, it just kept slipping my mind...over 100 times-- and the site contacted me about it.  I was told I needed to go through and make some attributions on every one of these articles for the pictures I'd used or the pictures would be "deleted" in 48 hours.  Essentially, the articles would have no "visual aids", and that'd be a b-tch, because alot of the articles I run directly relate to the picture (some are even ABOUT the picture that's on the page). 

So, I spent about an hour driving myself crazy trying to track down the sources for some of the pictures.  Eventually, common sense took hold and I realized that there was no feasible way to continue what I was doing and finish in a reasonable amount of time: that project woulda taken well over a week at the rate I was going.

And thus, over 100 articles got deleted yesterday.  To be sure, it was actually closer to 200 articles.  My reasoning was this: how many people are reading my "Office" reviews or "Jon and Kate" news from a month ago?  Are those articles really pulling in enough revenue (I get paid by the page view) for me to spend the time fixing their photo issues?  Not so much.  At first, I tried to go through them one by one and delete only some of them, but even that was taking too long.  So, we had a major house cleaning yesterday at the Comedy Examiner's Office.  Went from 233 articles to 54 in the space of an hour. 

Sucks, but what're you gonna do?

Another note: the whole point of setting up this site was to diversify, to post some articles that I couldn't publish over at the Examiner and still draw a portion of the crowd I've got over to this site to continue earning fans and making money.  But that AdSense program makes that idea one big-ass joke, because after 500 hits on this site, we're still hovering around $.40.  That's absurd: I'd make more by printing up every article and selling them on the street. 

I'm going to keep this site up and running, because at some point the Examiner may get tired of my shenanigans and this'll be a comfortable place to fall back into.  But for the time being, it's simply not worth dividing my attention equally towards.  As such, you'll wanna head over to the Examiner for the majority of my articles.  Sorry, folks!  We've close America's favorite family fun park, etc.

Not much more to say on this, but stay tuned.  I'm sure something interesting will come along soon...

Cheers,
Scott W

A Note About: Posting on the weekends (it ain't happening)

So far, the response to this site's been pretty good.  We did around 350 hits yesterday, and while that's not as high as I would have liked-- especially linking off my articles from the Examiner-- it isn't a complete disaster.  When I started writing over there, it took about a month to get a real readership going.  So, we're gonna give it a month on this site and see what we can build: if it falls on its face-- no harm, no foul, we'll just have to stay locked up over at the Examiner.

Meanwhile, I wanted to post this note about the weekends here at NGFH.  We're not going to be running any new material over the weekend (unless, of course, something really important happens or I feel especially compelled to crank something out) here, but there will still be articles going live over at the Examiner.  We may transport some of them over to this site, but there won't be any new, exclusive-to-NGFH material here.  I gotta get a break in somewhere.

But while you're here, check out the archive in the bottom-right corner.  In the past 2 days, we've posted around 20 different stories-- some of them from the Examiner, some of them exclusive to this site.  We've also got a comments section below each article that you're more than happy to get talking in (so far, we've got one comment, from one of my regular readers up in Connecticut-- thanks, Cynthia), if ya like.  And, of course, you're always welcome to come to this page and see what articles I've run on the Examiner recently.  Right now, I've got another report about Jay Leno's ratings in Dallas, some more stuff on the Letterman scandal, an article about "Brutal Legend", aaand...some nonsense about "The Green Hornet".  Come by and give 'em a shot.

I'm really happy that all of you are coming by.  By the way, this Google Adsense stuff?  Total nonsense.  Those ads you see where someone's grinning like an idiot and holding up a check that says "I made $4,000,000 posting links/ads for Google!"?  That sh-t is just untrue.  We've had close to 400 hits since we opened the front door, and if my revenue counter's to be believed, that means NGFH has earned $.29.  Obviously, coming from the Examiner, I'm not used to something that low.  I did the math, and I literally get paid 20 times over there what that Adsense program pays here.  So, this site's not gonna be about the earnings so much as the content.  Bully for you, reader.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.  We'll be back on Monday with new material.  In the meantime, check out the archive and this link to my Examiner page.

Cheers,
Scott W

Shocker: Letterman's blackmailer (D-bag) has a history of being a sleazy toolbox

Robert "Joe" Halderman's the guy that's accused of trying to blackmail comedian and talk-show host David Letterman out of $2 million over some inter-office relationships that the host engaged in.  And now that he's been arrested, the blackmailer's ironic personal history is coming to light.  Oh, how satisfying this all is.  The Comedy Examiner investigates here; read on, my precious snowflakes...

The big news today concerns David Letterman's blackmailer, some guy who was a producer for "48 Hours" that attempted to get 2 million bucks out of the "Late Show" host by threatening to write a screenplay and go to the press with stories of the comedian's relationships with women working in his office.  And-- you're never gonna believe this-- turns out the dude's pretty sleazy, himself.

The internet's bloggers and commenters seem torn on their opinion of Letterman following the revelation-- but, for the record, it has been released that these relationships occurred prior to his current marriage-- but with details emerging on Halderman, it'll be interesting to see how this changes the debate, if at all.

The Daily Beast is running an article that's filled with information about the blackmailer, including quotes from CBS' Dan Rather and comments from  Halderman's working associates and past acquaintances.  Here are a few choice cuts from the article, in case you're not interested in pouring through the whole thing yourself:

Ironically, given his blackmail threat to Letterman, Halderman carried on extramarital romances both in the office and on the road, colleagues say, and didn’t do much to hide them. He liked to drink, colleagues say, and would occasionally get obstreperous. Once, years ago, Halderman “came stumbling into work in bandages and stitches,” a colleague told me, explaining that a bouncer had shoved him through a plate-glass window at an Upper East Side singles bar.

Wuh-oh. That doesn't sound too good.  Odd, then, that Halderman would target someone else for something he seems widely known for doing himself.  But since when was hipocrisy a reason not to do something illegal?
Hey, Dan Rather, does any of this strike you as odd?

This is obviously a tragedy,” Rather said. “Frankly, I couldn’t be more astonished that this guy was involved in something like this than if you came riding through my apartment on a hippopotamus.

Another colleague had this description of Halderman for the Daily Beast:

He was a very colorful guy—I’d label him a charming rogue,” said a colleague who worked with Halderman off and on over the past 25 years. “He was like a character out of Hemingway, or maybe like the Great Gatsby, without the nuance and mystery…He was famous for carrying on workplace affairs, bouncing from woman to woman.

His girlfriend dumped him a few weeks ago and his ex-wife took his kids out to Colorado in the last few months,” one of Halderman’s colleagues told me. “He lost his kids, he lost his girlfriend, and maybe he lost his mind.

 Several other websites are reporting that Halderman was paying over $6,000 per month in child support from a previous marriage that had fallen through due to his extracurricular romantic activities.  His breakup with Stephanie Burkitt-- the woman at the center of all this, who is said to have been involved with Letterman about 5 years ago-- is being speculated upon as the reason that Halderman may have made his bizarre attempt at blackmailing Dave.

So, whatta you guys think?  Surprising, or not?  Knowing that Dave's relationship with this woman-- and, according to a statement issued by Worldwide Pants, Letterman's production company, any other women-- happened prior to his marriage, does it change your opinion of the situation?  A poll over on the "Larry King Live" website found that roughly 75% of people didn't think negatively of Dave in the aftermath of this situation...but what do you think?  Sound off below, folks.

Oh, and by the way: If you're reading this because you were directed here from the Examiner, feel free to check out some of the other non-Examiner articles on this site.  If you're reading this without having visited the Examiner, then check out this page.  You'll find roughly 200 articles that I've written for that site over the past couple months: many of them are decent.  What are you waiting for?  Get over there!

Oh, what the hell is this, now...? Japan's at it again.

Just came across the following video online.  After my "What the f--- is wrong with Japanese people?" post the other day, I thought this was a relevant followup.  Before we go on, check this out:

Riiiight, Japan.  Magic piano, check.  Cross-eyed chick with a fishbowl, check.  Yep, all the parts are in place for another inexplicable video offering from our friendly neighbors to the East.  I could put this video in context for you, but what the hell kinda fun would that be?  Just take it for what it is and try not to cry yourself to sleep tonight.

You know, this could be the beginning of a NGFH trend: screwed up videos from Japan.  I'll try to avoid the game show stuff-- it's really just so obvious; every Japanese game show is horrifically bizarre.

Oh, and I finally figured out how to embed YouTube stuff without it spreading all over the sidebar.  This is a learning experience, guys.  Gimme a break while I'm figuring it all out.  And, while you're here, stop by my page over at the Examiner: I've got a poll up about this David Letterman thing that asks if he's a sleazebag or not.  Me, I think we oughtta leave the cat alone.  But it looks like the commenters might not be so lenient.  Check it out at this link now. 

Inside the Home Office of Comedy Examiner/NiceGuyForHire writer Scott W.

I thought some of you might want a look at my "home office".  This is where I sit and pound mug after mug of coffee and ingest enough horse tranquilizers to make reporting on ridiculous crap like "Jon and Kate + 8" for the Examiner bearable.

As you can see, I've covered the walls with all manner of wacky shenanigans to look at when I'm stuck on a punchline or something worth saying.  On the left hand side, you can just make out the edge of my "Zombies" poster, which helpfully lists what sort of zombies you can expect to encounter once the Zombie Apocalypse starts (this month: British Zombie; I haven't bothered reading how to tell them apart from the other zombies, but I'm guessing that you don't start with the quality of their teeth).  Next to that's a pair of handcuffs ("That's for...that's for something else"), a fake set of Wolverine claws made of actual steel and a set of brass knuckles (a gift from Dr. David Hansen); on the right hand side, you can make out a bunch of fliers from all the shows I've performed on, plus some random other pictures.  Dead center's my 20" monitor and formerly infected computer.  It's interesting to note that the rest of the walls in my place are bare: I put everything worth looking at around the computer.  The idea was to inspire creativity.  I'll let you judge as to whether or not that worked.

Anyway, this is the environment that I'm pumping this crap out from.  That might explain a thing or two.  Really, I just wanted to try out my iPhone's photo-taking abilities, as I realized I'd never bothered to use it to get pics of something to add to an article.  This was just where I was sitting when the idea came to me.  Be thankful it didn't occur to me while in the john.

While you're here, make sure to check out some of the past NGFH articles, helpfully located directly below this one or catalogued on the right-hand side of the page.  You can also head over to the Examiner and check out some of the 200 articles that I have over there.  Current article's about Jon Gosselin's appearance on "Larry King Live"; there was a fierce debate about all that raging in the comments section of the article, so I added a poll where you can vote for Jon Gosselin being the d-uchebag that he is.  Check it all out, folks.

Jerry Seinfeld: "What is the deal with these celebrities not wearing underwear? Do they think we won't look?"

Jerry Seinfeld didn't actually say that, but whenever you say the phrase "What is the deal with...", you're kind of obligated to say it in Jerry's voice.  For example, "What is the deal with Kramer being a slave owner?" or "What is the deal with Costanza doing KFC commercials even though he's getting residual checks from my show?" or "What is the deal with Julia Louis Dreyfus being hot all of a sudden?"

You know, like that.

NiceGuyForHire wants to bring you all the entertainment bullsh-t that it can, delivered in as snarky a manner as possible, and as such we believe that every time a celebrity forgets to wear underwear...we will be there.  Kinda like "The Sun", only much, much more sleazy.  Obviously, this content won't be for anyone, but for those of us that find it funny that celebrities could be this dense, it should make for a good read every now and then.

And so it is that we bring you the first entry of this type, as Rihanna, the Tina Turner to Chris Brown's Ike (oh, gimme a break: she lost my sympathy the moment she ignored the judge's restraining order and kept seeing the dude; whether or not that's still going on is up for debate, but that fact that she continued to date this dude after he whooped up on her before the Grammy's isn't), went strolling around out on the town minus an important article of clothing.

Because this isn't for titillation purposes, we're not gonna blow up the photo into extreme closeup.  If you want that, there's plenty of other sites that can do it for you.  Not to mention, if you're just really desperate to see a naked lady, there are more focused ways of going about this online, people.  The point here is stupidity, and there it is, in all its glory.

If I ever get really famous, I'm gonna make sure I always have my boxers on, especially when I'm wearing a see-through skirt.  Those camera flashes go right through my favorite outfits, so I'm gonna have to remember to be careful.  Although, maybe it wouldn't hurt to show off a little "neck" from time to time.

Whatta ya'll think?  Stupid, or is this an invasion of privacy?  You be the judge!  Now that we've established that this is the sort of thing that NiceGuyForHire will run, we can only hope that Steve Buscemi or Whoopi Goldberg forget "they draws" sometime soon.

"The Human Centipede": One of the most messed up ideas for a movie we've ever seen

Here's an article that I definitely couldn't run over at the Examiner, based solely on the nature of the subject matter.  There's a new horror film coming out soon, and lately it's been making the rounds at some film festivals and private showings around the country.  It's called "The Human Centipede: First Sequence", and it's gotta be one of the most twisted, horrific concepts ever used for a horror film.  If you think you can stomach it, read on, my precious snowflakes...

Okay, first off, look at that picture.  That's the poster for "The Human Centipede", which is an upcoming horror film that's got one of the sickest storylines I think I've ever heard from a horror film.  If you're still digesting your breakfast (and, oh, how that sentence will be even more disturbing in just a few paragraphs' time), you may wanna skip this post and head on down to the Letterman article.

Here's the basic concept: there's a mad scientist whose specialty is separating Siamese Twins.  The dude's basically gone crazy, and one day he decides that he wants to "change it up a bit" as far as work goes (that's him in the sunglasses on the poster).  In a plot that the poster tells us is "100% medically accurate" (which this writer has doubts about), the doctor kidnaps a trio of folks and then (here we go, are you ready?  Still not too late to turn back!  Don't say I didn't warn ye...) surgically connects them all together, a$$ to mouth, so that they all share one digestive tract.

I know, you're horrified.  And you're like, "What the f--- are we even talking about this for?"  Well, sir or ma'am, I told you it was gonna get all freaky up in this b-tch.  Remember what I said about not saying I didn't warn you?  Ya, well, there ya go.  Let's get back to the article.

So, the scientist has a Japanese dude and two American party-girl types that he happens to come across.  Much of the film depicts the three sewn together, trying to escape or otherwise stop what's going on.  There are apparently scenes that deal with precisely what you'd expect a film like this to deal with, making me wonder how the hell this thing is ever going to get the go-ahead from the MPAA.  Those people are nutsy about turning down stuff for being "too extreme", like boobies.  Exploding people?  No problem, "Saving Private Ryan".  Boobies? WHAT ARE YOU, A PERVERT?!

Here's a little, one-minute montage of scenes from the film.  There's no dialogue here, though there is a bit of blood, and what you're gonna see here may disturb you.  So, if you're not into horror films to begin with (As I am; whether or not I'm "into" this monkey business has yet to be determined), you may wanna just take my original advice and skip on down to that Letterman article, slappy.  Check it out:




Okay, yeah, that's pretty f----d up.

The early word on the film is surprisingly strong.  Devin Faraci of CHUD gave the film a solid review, and he's a critic that my tastes generally fall in line with.  He points out that this movie falls into the category of "body horror" films, the kinda stuff that Cronenberg has been doing for years (if you've seen, say, "ExistenZ" or "Videodrome"-- which is NOT to be confused with "Biodome"-- then you know what we're talking about here; "The Fly" also fell into this category, which basically makes extreme body modifications and mutilation its source for scariness).  I'm still skeptical, because any film that seems to coast along on the outrageousness of its premise almost always turns out to be an empty suit of a movie, but I'll probably be willing to give the thing a shot.

So, whatta you guys think?  Is this the most f----d up premise for a movie you've ever heard?  Would ya watch it?  Were you able to keep your breakfast down?  Let us know with a comment below.  And, while you're here, don't forget that you can find a bunch of other articles of mine over at the Examiner, where I'm the resident "Comedy Examiner".  Ah, NGFH, thank you for allowing me to write about something this jacked up this early in the day.

Attempted Letterman blackmailer a total D-bag, gets owned by Dave

"The Late Show" host David Letterman sounds like he's had a rough week: he just finished delivering some d-uchebag that was trying to blackmail him to the cops.  Letterman talked openly about the situation on his show Thursday night, and here's what he had to say.  Read on, gentle Examiner readers...

This guy that was trying to blackmail David Letterman doesn't sound like the sharpest knife in the drawer.  What Would Tyler Durden Do?, the entertainment gossip and snarky commentary site, is running a story that claims the blackmailer (if that's a real word; until this coffee kicks in, I remain unsure) is/was the ex-boyfriend of one of Letterman's staffers, whom he was sleeping with.

You mean to tell me that one of the most powerful men in the comedy entertainment world was getting laid?  By someone that he worked with?  Why, that's just shocking.  Apparently, anyone who'd be surprised by this is unfamiliar with how the entertainment industry works: if you are being watched by millions of other people, you're probably gonna get laid.  Hell, if you're being watched by dozens of people, you're probably gonna get laid.  Like athletes or movie stars, late night talk show hosts also get action because they are famous.  That this was going on with someone that worked for Dave just seems even more obvious.  If ya had to guess where Dave meets women, would your first guess be "at a nightclub"?

Anyway, the guy tried to extort $2m from Dave, only to be ensnared by a very clever and complicated plot by Dave and his lawyer: they wrote him a fake check and called the cops.  That's straight gangsta of you, Dave.  Frankly, this writer is happy for Dave having beaten this guy at his own game.  If it's true that this dude is the ex-boyfriend of one of the women Dave was sleeping with, his motive beyond money is obvious here: immature jealousy.  Where did it get him?  Owned.

What's even better is, Dave wrapped up "The Case of the Blackmailing D-uchebag" and then turned right around and talked about it on the air, effectively outing himself of the "crimes".  Here's Dave talking about it on "The Late Show" last night (and, by the way, sorry about the size on this video file; it's covering up vital parts of that Jenna Fischer picture, I know):



As the years go by, this writer just has more and more respect for Letterman as an entertainer and a person.  He always seem to handle these sorts of "off the air" storms with alot of dignity, and he's never afraid to confront his issues on the air.  More power to ya, Dave. I hope the dude-- who, in what has to be the most bizarre part of this entire situation, was threatening not only to tell people what Dave was up to but also to "write a screenplay" about it (Bwahahaha! Don't you know that Hollywood only makes remakes of bad TV shows these days, blackmailer?  All together now: Haha, blackmailer, you suck)-- ends up behind bars for quite some time.  God, talk about a plan backfiring.  That guy must be loving that New York City jail right about now.  What awesome pwnage.

Whatta you think, NGFH readers?  Did Dave do the right thing?  Should he have given over the money, kicked the guy's ass, or was he right to go to the cops?  What should happen to the dude that tried to blackmail Dave?  And, if it's important to you, was Dave wrong to be knockin' boots with his staff members?  Sound off below, we wanna hear what you have to say.

By the way, you may have found this page through the Examiner, where I write as their "Comedy Examiner".  Obviously, we're running some of the same articles over here (same author, after all), but you can find all of the Examiner articles I've written by following this link.  Those articles are gonna be a little more news-oriented than the stuff that I plan on running here, so you can decide which site is providing the sort of writing you're more into.

The Guy Who Terrorized Me & My Pops at WalMart

This is a true story about some ridiculously strange Wal-Mart employee that my Dad and I ran afoul of recently.  It originally ran over on the Examiner, so this may be a repeat for you.  If so, skip below where we've got several new, non-Examiner stories.  If not, read on.  Everything here is absolutely true, by the way. Also, that dude in the picture?  That's not him.  That's from PeopleofWalMart.com, which-- if you haven't already experienced the magic there-- you should check out promptly.  After reading, of course.

Today, I have come to tell you about the "Wal-Mart Mystery Man", whom I encountered on a trip into a local Wal-Mart with my father just last night.  Having come in from out of town, my pops and I went to dinner, had a drink, and sat around shooting the sh-t for some time.  On the way home, he accompanied me on a grocery run at the nearby Wal-Mart in Addison, and that's when we found ourselves in the middle of the strangest encounter I've had in some time.

We were walking along, talking, and approaching a check-out lane with a basketful of items procured at rock-bottom prices.  The clerk working the register saw us coming, and I noted the odd way his eyes seemed to light up at our approach.  It was as though his entire life up until this moment had been spent training to ring up groceries, and here we were: his first customers, tossed by fate into his path to test his skills.  Kinda like when the kid has to fight that sabertooth tiger in "300", only with paper towels and a barcode scanner.

"Hey, there!" he called to us, though we were just feet away.

"Hey," my dad said back.  Then, turning to me, he said, "I'm gonna go use the bathroom", and off he went to take a leak.

I was left alone with (for the purposes of this story, we'll call him) "Sergio".  He wore the typical Wal-Mart "Vest of Doom" overtop a button down shirt that was not living up to the promise of its name: the shirt was open at the collar, revealing far too much of a swarthy patch of chest and-- I believe-- several delicate gold chains.  Sergio's appearance certainly explained why the "A-Team" van was parked out in the parking lot.  As my dad walked off in the direction of the john, he came around the counter towards the cart.

I'd already started putting the items up onto the conveyor belt that moves towards the cash register, but Sergio hadn't turned it on.  Once he'd sidled up next to the cart-- barcode gun in hand-- he told me, "I'm just gonna get your big items."

"Oh," I said, remembering the large case of paper towels underneath the cart.  I moved to pull them out for him to scan, but he bent down quickly and beat me to it, saying, "I got it."

"Take it away, man," I said, and continued putting my groceries-- and I should note that the cart was full-- up onto the belt.  Because it wasn't, y'know, moving they were starting to stack up.  I was running out of room.
Sergio reached into the cart while I worked, picking up and scanning a bottle of bleach and a jug of laundry soap.

"Oh, dude, that's alright," I started saying. "I'll put 'em up there for ya."

"Oh, no," he said, grinning conspiratorialy. "When you're in my lane, I hook you up."

I stood there, unsure of how to proceed.  I already had about 75% of the groceries up on the belt, but he was ignoring them and just scanning random objects that were still in the cart.  Surely this wasn't how he planned on ringing all of it in-- was it?

"Hey," I tried again, "Really, I got th--"

He cut me off, again grinning and murmuring, "Take it easy, man, I got this."

Uncertainty had turned into outright confusion.  People began to arrive behind me, each of them with their own large cart's worth of groceries, and a glance in the woman behind me's direction revealed that she was just as confused about Sergio's mysterious check-out routine as I was.  It was at this point that my dad came wandering back over from the bathroom.  As it happened, I needed to go myself-- thanks, 90 oz. glass of iced tea-- but I felt compelled to warn him before I left.

He was already looking at Sergio's progress, head tilted a bit to the side like a dog hearing a far away noise.

"I know," I said, before he said a word. "It's weird.  Don't bother, I've already tried twice.  Be right back."

I went to the john, and when I came back, it was obvious that my dad had just gone through the same confusing conversation with Wal-Mart's most esteemed cashier.  He was standing off to the side, body language conveying one, clear emotion: "Unsure What to Do With Oneself".  Behind us in line, people were just staring.

My dad and I exchanged a glance and a shrug.  Sergio had now worked his way up onto the belt, and was methodically going through each item with the barcode-scanner.  I knew at this point that there'd be no convincing him to stop this madness, but when I realized that more than 5 minutes had passed, I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

"Wouldn't it be, like, much faster to just do it the normal way?"

My dad burst out laughing, but Sergio just kept on at his incredibly slow pace.  He said, "I have a checkout time of 17 items per minute; I think I know what I'm doing."

Confusion was a distant dream at that point.  Now we were in some parallel universe: up was down, black was white, groceries were being rung in at the rate of one every three and a half seconds.  He wasn't even bagging them, just picking them up one at a time, hitting the trigger on the gun, putting them back down on the belt, and then moving on to the next item.  It was excruciating to witness, like watching someone eat a bucket of popcorn one kernel at a time.  Underwater.

"Whatta you think Sam Walton would have to say about your, uh, checkout process?" my dad asked.  Sam Walton, of course, is the walking think-tank that came up with the idea for Wal-Mart.  He's who you oughtta be praying to every time you get slapped in the face by UNBEATABLE PRICES when you walk past that ancient greeter out front and find yourself purchasing 18 spatulas for $10, because do you have any idea what these things cost apiece?!  You'd be crazy not to buy 18 spatulas at that price! Why, you might never have to buy a spatula again, just because you made one, $10 investment!  Sam Walton, you are a God.

Without missing a beat-- and I swear this is true-- Sergio replied: "Sam Walton's dead."  And, as we all know, zombies have very little interest in anyone's barcode scanner strategy.  All they care about is brains and farmhouses full of survivors.  "F-ck unbeatable prices," says Zombie Sam Walton.

I was standing there, dumbfounded.  People behind us in line were making an exodus to any other lane available, even if it meant going to the one way down on the end where they stick the cashier with the 7" fingernails and the pink weave.  Perhaps ten minutes passed before Sergio began the arduous process of putting my groceries into bags, a process that I feared he would attempt alphabetically.

It was as though time had stood still in Lane 7 inside the Addison Wal-Mart, the rest of the world whizzing by, going about their business, making moves and getting sh-t done.  Sergio picked up a pound of coffee, and underneath us, vast tectonic plates were shifting and colliding, forming underwater ridges and causing volcanic eruptions in distant locales.  Species were thriving, dying off, new ones being introduced to the environment at large.  Overhead, whole galaxies were being born, stars burning out, civilizations being created and killing themselves off.  Whole generations of lives came and went, and then Sergio placed the coffee into a plastic bag.  I could feel the life draining out of me.

Eventually, he finished.  By this time, my father and I were speechless.  We weren't sure what had just happened to us, but we knew that it was remarkable.  My father and I have been through alot together over the years, but perhaps in the end it will emerge that no situation brought us closer together, bonded us more, than the time Sergio rang in our groceries at Wal-Mart.

Have you got a funny true story you'd like to spend in inordinate amount of time typing out for others to read and shrug at?  If so, send an email with the details to me.  We may run it on the site, fully credited to you, if it sounds worthwhile.

"The Jay Leno Show": Total Clusterf--k

Since its debut, "The Jay Leno Show" has had one problem after another.  First it was the ratings: they started off with a huge opening-- 18m or so people, myself included, watched the opening night show-- and started going downhill almost immediately.  Then there was the critical reaction to the show, which was brutal to say the least.  Now Jay's claiming that the other major networks are "boycotting" his show by keeping their actors and talent off his program. What needs to happen here to save Jay's show?

For one thing, don't mistake my question for fan-based concern: I'm no fan of "The Jay Leno Show".  This dude's jokes are so old and bland, someone keeps threatening to put them in a home.  Can you believe that Jay's still doing that f---ing atrocious "Headlines" bit?  Seriously, he did it on the first episode.  A misprint or play on words in a headline isn't comedy, Jay: it's embarrassing.  The only people that find the "Headlines" bit amusing gave up on comedy long, long ago, so screw 'em, anyway.  If you think "Headlines" is a funny bit, kill yourself.

That sounded harsh, and I apologize.  Perhaps death is a bit much.  Fair enough: if you think "Headlines" is a funny bit, you are grounded from ever entering any discussion relating to comedy for the rest of your life.  If someone's discussing a movie they saw that they found to be particularly funny, you are not allowed to comment.  If someone tells you a joke, you are not allowed to laugh.  If someone asks you what your favorite comedy is, you are to look at the ground and burst into tears, shrieking, "I can only love 'Headlines'!"

Because NBC's been so smug about the fact that "The Jay Leno Show" is going to be an ATM for them, it's hard to drum up any sympathy for the network.  They went outta their way to make sure everyone knew they didn't give a s--- that no one thought the show was funny, and now they're surprised when other networks aren't gonna play ball with them?  Screw off, NBC.  Just don't do anything to "The Office" and we won't have to burn your building to the ground.

It's doubtful that "The Jay Leno Show" is gonna pull outta this nosedive.  What's more likely is that it'll plateau, hitting a low number-- 1.5 sounds too low; my guess is 1.8-- and then staying there until someone gives it the "Old Yeller" and puts a bullet in its head.  But didn't NBC lock Jay up for, like, eternity in his new contract?  I'm relatively sure that if you had a time machine, skipped ahead a decade, and flipped on the TV at 9pm you'd find Jay still doing that god-awful "Headlines" bit.  And it still wouldn't be funny.

Guess we'll just have to wait and see.  I ran a poll on the Examiner asking people what they thought of the show, and at the time I took a count of the votes the show was reading at 65% of viewers saying it was "unfunny".  That's a helluva percentage.  So, I'm curious: if you're reading this website, what's your opinion of Jay's show?  I bet the percentage is even higher; anyone that woulda followed my writing from the Examiner to here would surely not be a fan of Jay's.  Sound off in the comments section, my precious snowflakes.  I'm curious to hear what you have to say.

Until next time, don't forget that I'm still running articles over on The Examiner.  Check out my Examiner page here, which is constantly updated with whatever I've written most recently.  And don't forget to bookmark NiceGuyForHire, too: we're gonna have reviews, interviews, articles, and recaps that you won't be able to get over at the Examiner. You may as well bite the bullet and hit the "Follow" button up top.

Cheers,
Scott Wampler

Tonight on "Larry King Live": Jon Gosselin, Dumbass

 The following is one of the recent articles I ran over at the Examiner.  NiceGuyForHire is going to be publishing some of the articles that I run over there in addition to original material.  If you found this site through a link on the Examiner, feel free to scan down to one of the NGFH exclusive articles.  If not, read on...

 


Oh, what a twisted web we weave: Jon Gosselin was on "Larry King Live" tonight, and one of the biggest topics up for discussion was Jon's assertion that his kids were being more messed up than they already are by the continuing filming of "Jon and Kate + 8" (which, coincidentally, Jon was announced as being not so much a part of anymore by TLC).  Then Larry tossed to some footage that left Jon looking like a fool.  Read on, gentle Examiner readers...

Jon Gosselin is really just grasping at straws at this point.  Earlier in the week, TLC-- who's just about fed up with Jon's nonsense (there's even some reports going around that they're suing his dumb ass)-- announced that the show would henceforth be known as "Kate + 8" and that Jon wouldn't be on the show all that much anymore.

This was followed by a sort-of rebuttal from Jon's camp (read: lawyer), who said that Jon wanted to "postpone" the ongoing/forthcoming divorce in order to "get control" of his family back.  Oh, and he also wanted all the production on the show to, y'know, stop.  What a coincidence, that Jon should start expressing these opinions the moment TLC decided they didn't want him to be a part of the show anymore.  Or, for that matter, collect his $75,000/per episode paycheck.  Surely, these things were unrelated.

Well, Larry King had Jon on this evening, and one of the highlights of the show was Larry showing a clip of Jon defending the filming of the show in reference to the kids.  That would, of course, be the very same children that Jon now believes are being "exploited" by the show.  You smell that, my gentle Examiner readers?  That's the sweet, sweet tanginess of irony (yes, irony is tangy and sweet, like a Starburst, only funnier).

Radar Online has the clip (they wouldn't let me embed it; damn you, Radar!), so head on over there and check that out if you want a big, heaping spoonful of schadenfraude.  Jon's really dug himself a hole on this one.  You're probably wondering (if you're not over at Radar watching the video for yourself) what Jon had to say in response to this video, which would seem to blow about 8 different holes in his argument against TLC continuing filming without him.  Be sure to check out the look on his face while the video's running for bonus snark.

Sayeth the D-uche:

"I'm sorry I said that.  I do make mistakes, as well...if I woulda said opposite of that, that TLC was exploiting the kids, I woulda been in breach of contract."

Here's the thing, though: TLC's contract-- which Jon is clearly very concerned about, as it was important enough for him to make the everyday mistake of allowing his children to be exploited-- also had a clause in it that limited either of the Gosselins from engaging in "unbecoming conduct" (my words, not theirs; I forget their precise terminology at the moment, but same thing).  For someone that was so concerned about TLC's contract, Jon sure didn't have a problem shacking up with one bar skank after another before his marriage was officially dissolved.  Or nailing showgirls out in Vegas (as well as, reportedly, "hitting the white slopes" with the showgirl and a second girl while engaging in "boning").  This has gotta be the most hilariously transparent, bullsh-t attempt at a defense/explanation the Comedy Examiner's Office has ever seen.

So, whatta you tihnk, Examiner readers?  Get to sounding off below, we wanna hear what you thought about Jon's performance on "Larry" last night.  Oh, and while I've got your ear:  the Comedy Examiner has a new website! If you like the Comedy Examiner's articles but just wish they were a little more adult-oriented, a little more snarky, and could cover stuff other than snarky pop culture and comedy, then you are cordially invited over to NiceGuyForHire, the Comedy Examiner's newest site.  It's still a work in progress-- we have alot of cool features planned-- but you can still stop by, leave a comment, and check out some of the articles that aren't running here over there.  Give it a shot! (Note: You're already here)


And stay tuned: there's more Comedy Examiner news coming to you momentarily!

BulletWounds (quick news bites for the reader on the go) #1

 BULLETWOUNDS is a quick news bites thing, stuff that's not long enough for an entire article but is probably relevant to someone, anyway.  New readers may be wondering why the f--- I have so many references to Jon and Kate Gosselin on here: fair question.  The thing is, over at the Examiner the TLC show "Jon and Kate + 8" is one of the most popular topics.  I wrote a bunch of cynical articles mocking the two "stars" of that show, so now I've got a good amount of people following their misadventures through my snarky-ass updates.  "Jon and Kate" is an awful show, but the articles I wrote about 'em last month paid for my electricity bill this month.  Go figure.  Anyway, BULLETWOUNDS will be an ongoing column, so keep an eye out for future installments.

*** Kate Gosselin is telling Jon Gosselin to f--- off.  As you all surely know by now, Jon is in the process of trying to get the couple's much-publicized divorce "postponed".  You kinda get the impression by the way he's acting that when Jon says "postponed", what he really means is, "Holy s---, I'm about to lose my meal-ticket; let's put the brakes on this b-tch right now".  This was news to Kate Gosselin, who issued some statement or another saying that the first she'd heard about it was online.  Furthermore, she ain't budging.  Jon Gosselin, you must have b-lls the size of my b-lls to try and pull of this maneuver.  Weren't you on TV telling America that you "despise" your wife just a couple weeks ago?  What a d-uche. And, what's this?  TLC's threatening to sue him?   I'll have more on that situation in a bit, but for now check out that article on Radar.

*** Speaking of d-uchebags, it's being reported that David Letterman was involved with an extortion case, wherein some giant d-uche tried to blackmail $2m out of him by threatening to go to press with a book (and-- I thought this was an odd detail-- a screenplay?!) that offered up details of Letterman's sexual exploits with female members of his staff.  Dave wrote the dude a bogus check, got the cops involved, and then they arrested his ass.  Apparently, Letterman was in court testifying about this morning.  Here's what I'm wondering: is it really shocking to imagine that Letterman woulda nailed a few of the girls working in his office?  I mean, the dude's one of the most powerful forces in comedy and late-night entertainment: are we to expect that he'd be a eunuch?  There must have been a few, too, if he had enough material for a book.  Bonus points to Letterman for keeping it quiet but still having the balls to get on TV and let everyone in on it.  What I wouldn't give for some video of Letterman testifying in court against the assclown that tried to blackmail him.

*** Here's Michael Bay announcing a third "Transformers" movie for 2011.  Really?!  I don't know if any of you saw that cinematic abortion earlier this summer, but it was mind-blowingly awful.  I didn't even see it in theaters-- I watched a bootleg of it online-- and still couldn't be bothered to finish it.  I wasn't paying and I could not finish it: this is not a good sign for the quality of "Transformers 2".  By the way, if you're law enforcement, I was totally joking about watching a bootleg of it online.  These're just jokes!

*** Jay Leno is saying that other networks are "boycotting him".  Here's the thing: other shows aren't happy about you and your network forsaking quality material in the name of making dolla-dolla bills, Jay.  In fact, there's alot of people that are kinda bent outta shape about the fact that NBC went on record saying that the critics and detractors of the show could suck it, because even with a 1.5 ratings share the show would turn a huge profit for the network.  Maybe if you want other people to play nice, you should let your bosses know not to be such blatant douche bags about what they're doing with their programming. 

*** Straight from Fantastic Fest, this is Devin Faraci (of CHUD fame)'s review of "The Human Centipede: First Sequence".  What's that?  You haven't heard of "Human Centipede"?  Oh, you will.  It's about a crazed, mad scientist who decides to make his very own human centipede.  You know, just for s---s and giggles.  One might wonder how one would go about making a human centipede, and therein lies the big hook for the movie.  In the film, the mad scientist surgically attaches three people together-- two girls and a Japanese dude-- by mouth-to-anus (Kevin Smith's gotta be thrilled that this is coming out soon).  It's gotta be the most twisted idea for a body-horror film ("body-horror": see also the works of David Cronenberg, who incorporates horrific ideas and extreme body modification or mutilation in his films) that I've ever seen.  The film apparently killed down in Austin at FF, and I gotta admit: I'm curious to see it.  Look for some major whining from the fundamentalists when this atrocity gets released.

OK, that's it for now, folks.  I still got two or three articles to write before bedtime.  Check back often, and check back soon.  And be sure to be checking in with my page over at the Examiner; I'm still running stuff over there.  Thanks for coming by!  Make sure to leave a comment or three in the feedback section below.  It's our way of keeping track of you-- how else will we know you were ever here?

Cheers,
Scott Wampler

The first real entry on NiceGuyForHire: welcome!

Well, there's been some technical problems getting the site set up so far.  I'm trying to get some ads up on this bitch-- the better to collect on those page views, my dear (Joker: "If you're good at something, never do it for free")-- and, for whatever reason, the program that I'm using is being enormously stubborn about the whole thing.

This is, essentially, the first real posting on NiceGuyForHire.  I've wrestled with the idea for a first article on here, and after several hours of deliberation I've decided that may be best is an explanation-- a further explanation-- as to why I've decided to set up this second site.  The Examiner's my present home base, but I'd like to think that I can divert at least some of the traffic over here.  The problem, of course, is that the Examiner may believe I'm trying to steal readers away from them; couldn't be further from the truth.

In point of fact, I may be doing them a favor.  In the last few weeks, I've noticed the following: people are fucking douche bags.  I've written close to 200 articles for the Examiner, covering just about everything that's got a relation to comedy (and a few things I had to pound like square pegs into a round hole to get them to fall under that mandated subject's title), and the little counter that reports my page views to me tells me that I've racked up over 90,000 hits in the past couple months. 

To be sure, this is something I'm proud of.  But what troubles me is this: I've already gotten a few complaints from the Examiner about people that haven't taken too kindly to my writing style over there.  The usual complaint is that the articles are too opinionated (the second most popular complaint being "You are stupid"), which is just a fancy way of saying some douche-nozzles didn't agree with something I said.  The thing is, even though we're talking about maybe 25 out of 90,000, I'm concerned the Examiner may get concerned about their readership and pull the plug on my columns.  A few bad apples, and all that.

So, my plan is to put my more opinionated stuff here.  You know, the stuff that deals with politics or religion or contains more adult subject matter.  This isn't a site designed to be read by, say, family-friendly people.  At least, I'd rather it not be.  I'm of the opinion that all those page views I've accumulated had to come from somewhere, and they wouldn't keep coming in if people were turned off by my writing style.  In other words: there's an audience for what I'm putting out there, so let's get those folks reading this site and leave the more prudish folks back over at the Examiner.

Very soon, I'm going to begin linking to this site from my Examiner articles.  If that's how you found this site, I hope you're one of the people that doesn't mind a little profanity and editorializin' in your reading.  And, if you like the stuff that you're reading here, by all means pass links along to your friends.  I'd also like to take on material from other writers, readers, whomever that may have something they'd like to say.  If you've got an idea for an article you'd like to write, hammer it out.  If it's funny and written at even an average skill level, chances are I'll throw it up here.  I'd like to build this site into something worth people visiting, and I'm willing to look at any ways I could go about doing that. 

In the meantime, I gotta write up a few things for the Examiner.  That's when we'll start linking back here.  I also need to re-edit some of my articles to drive some traffic over this way.  Who knows: this whole thing could die right off the bat.  But, again, I'd like to think that 90,000 is indicative of some amount of success in reaching people.  If you're one of 'em, we're happy to have you here.

More to come

Scott Wampler

Examiner Article: Guide to the "State Fair of Texas" (Part One)

"The Comedy Examiner's Guide to The State Fair of Texas" is a multi-part series seeking to provide an ultimate guide to the sights, sounds, and smells of the yearly event in Fair Park. The first part in this series focuses on the wonderful (read: hideous) food you can find while visiting the Fair. Read on, gentle Examiner readers...

First, a note: There's apparently something wrong with the publishing tool that we use to run articles through the Examiner, so I apologize for the slightly wonky looking appearance. The choice is: no articles, wonky-looking articles. I've chosen the former, and I trust you'll be able to handle it.

The idea to write a guide to the State Fair of Texas is one that I've had for awhile, and the Comedy Examiner's Office is very proud to be presenting it to you. There are many areas to cover in this guide, including: The Food, The People, The Sights, and The Rides and Midway. Clearly, this will have to be done in parts; otherwise, you and I'd be here all day, working with a busted-ass publishing tool. And that ain't happening: you have a trip to plan!

The first part of this guide is, of course, "The Food". More than anything else, the State Fair of Texas is known for the heart-stoppingly horrendous "foods" that you can purchase while wandering around the Fairgrounds and avoiding other Fair-goers' B.O. Let me reiterate that: you do not want to wander into the path of some wafting B.O., particularly if the person involved is wearing overalls, and particularly not if you're eating something. You will-- I promise-- vomit so hard your lungs will flee through your rectum.

Every year, each of the local news channels covers the various "foods" that some creative, backwoods-type has cooked up in his trailer park. These foods are invented not to entertain the palate, but rather to quite literally poison all the people eating them. See, the carny folk (and, oh yes, there are many, many carnies at the State Fair; it's like entering a country named "Carnia" when you pass through those gates) do not like the "city folk" that come from as far away as Plano to gaze upon their rusty rides and tremendously boring boat show displays. They want to eliminate us, so that they might claim Plano, Addison, Carrollton, and the like as their own-- I've seen their blueprints. If they get their way, Willow Bend is going to be the biggest K-Mart you've ever seen.

What sorts of food are these carnies inventing? Oh, let me tell you.

The foods basically fall into, well, one category: Fried. If it's a food, and if it should not be ingested as it is because it has a high caloric content, and if it should certainly not be fried, then that's how you're going to discover it at the Fair. This includes Snickers bars, wads of butter, and-- I swear I'm making none of this up-- Coke. Not coke-coke (carnies cannot afford cocaine, but I hear they're perfecting their "Fried Crank" recipe as we speak in a bathtub out in Mesquite), but Coca-Cola. How do they do this? Again, these people run meth labs; why should they have a problem figuring out how to fry a soda?

These foods are, of course, terrible, and exist only to one-up one another in terms of outrageousness. Back in the "olden days"-- as "Fair People" might say-- the most outrageous foodstuff available at the Fair was probably a corn-dog. Not content to ruin the arteries of its visitors with fried pork-parts, the mad chefs of the State Fair of Texas decided to take it a step further: they started selling wads of fried...batter. Toss some powdered sugar on that b-tch, you got a "funnel cake". Once this occurred, the gauntlet was thrown.

Funnel Cake begat fried cheese, and fried cheese begat fried bacon, and fried bacon begat fried Twinkies, and so on and so forth until, just recently, I swear I saw a news report on some jerk-off who'd figured out how to provide "Fried Butter" for anyone brave enough to visit his food stand. This man should be arrested.

While you eat this food and wallow in your own shame and humiliation, you can wander around the Fairgrounds at your leisure, and that's when the real fun starts. Eventually, your body will reject what you have put into it (this takes approximately 4 minutes) and you will be forced to find a bathroom, which at the State Fair of Texas is basically an enlongated trough overseen by men in Nascar shirts and the ever-present and aforementioned bib overalls. This is a cruel trick, to be sure, but you will have no one to blame but yourself: Clem didn't hold a gun to your head to make you buy that "Fried Butterfinger", did he? I didn't see Jessiciah forcing that "Fried Lard Blossom" into your gaping maw. No, this is a gastrointestinal terrorist attack that you have instigated, and good luck ridding yourself of the problem in the Fair's facilities.

Perhaps next time you'll just stick with one of those massive drumsticks. At least those only give you a mild case of salmonella poisoning, which modern medicine (note: not available at the State Fair of Texas) can cure right quick once you get back to your "city house".

Next time, we'll be taking a closer look at some of the people you'll encounter at the State Fair. You know that's gonna be a good one, so be sure to check back with the Comedy Examiner frequently. We'll be running parts of our "Guide to The State Fair of Texas" all week. And when I say "Guide", please read that as "Official Warning".

In the meantime, check out some of these other recent articles from the Comedy Examiner:

"Comedy Perspective: Halloween"-- in which the Comedy Examiner explains the secret purpose behind Halloween (hint: slutty costumes).

"In Praise of Chevy Chase: The Comedy Examiner salutes an icon"--in which we praise the return of the brilliant Chevy Chase to the world of comedy.

"Comedy Examiner Poll: Who are you siding with-- Team Jon or Team Kate?"-- in which we conduct a poll to end all polls regarding the "Jon and Kate" situation.

"NBC confident "The Jay Leno Show" can earn them $300m-- but should it?"-- wherein we look at the toll that "The Jay Leno Show" is taking on the world of comedy, one dollar at a time.

"Comedy Perspective: Is Hailey Glassman really a homewrecker?"-- take the poll and weigh in.

"Comedy Examiner Review: The funniest movie you didn't see this year"-- in which the Comedy Examiner pleads for you to watch "Observe and Report".

"Comedy Examiner True Stories: How to Get Fired From Blockbuster"-- another entry in the "True Stories" series, this one about the Comedy Examiner's tragic firing from Blockbuster.

"Comedy Examiner Review: "It's Always Sunny"-- The Gang Hits The Road"-- review for the latest episode of one of TV's funniest comedies.

"Comedy Examiner Present: Jon and Showgirl + 1"-- in which we report on Jon Gosselin's recent Vegas-set exploits, where what he did there definitely didn't stay there.

Examiner Article: Guide to the "State Fair of Texas" (Part 2)

Just a few days ago, the Comedy Examiner delivered his first part of a "Guide to The State Fair of Texas". That article focused on what sort of food you'd find at the Fair, and now the Comedy Examiner turns his attention to the kind of people you're likely to find when you visit the event. Read on, gentle Examiner readers (and remember: it's all in good fun)...

The Texas State Fair: few things are more celebrated in the city of Dallas or the state of Texas. Dallas has long since held an enormous amount of pride in their yearly event, which features hideous food, rusty carnival rides that are likely to decapitate you, and overalls as far as the eye can see. But navigating the Fair's turbulent waters can be tricky, and that's why your friendly neighborhood Comedy Examiner has compiled this guide for those entering the gates at Fair Park for the first time.

Last week, we focused on the food that you'd find at the Fair. You know: random household objects and barely edible foodstuffs battered and deep-fried to perfection, some of them dusted in a fine layer of powdered sugar. Surely, if you hate being even remotely healthy, you're gonna wanna eat at the Fair as soon as possible.

This time, the Comedy Examiner's "Guide to The State Fair" focuses on the people you're likely to meet. Now, this section of the guide can be kind of tricky: as we mentioned, the Fair is a source of pride for many people, and they don't take kindly to fancy-lad city boys coming along and poking gentle fun at their traditions. It is very likely, in fact, that a group of toothless villagers in NASCAR shirts will arrive at my door to string me up for what I'm about to advise you on. But cry not for the Comedy Examiner; he knows that those with a good sense of humor will take it all in stride.

Upon arriving at the Fair, the first person you'll meet is Guy Charging Way Too Much For Parking in What Looks Suspiciously Like Someone's Front Yard. This gentleman will shout every word that he wants to communicate at you from across a short distance, and he will tip you a grateful wink when you pass him the $75 he's asking for in order to park between someone's porch and mailbox. This gentleman will be oddly absent when you return to your car later in the evening and discover that it's A) on blocks and missing every door, seat, and radio knob, B) been spray-painted with unintelligible gang symbols and love declarations from someone named "Raoul" to "Esmerelda", or C) been towed to a place far, far away.

Your parking mission complete, it's time to head into the Fair. It's at this stage of your adventure that you'll notice the "3 Main Person Types" in the crowd, which can be broken down as such:

• Man in Inappropriate Hat With Children Eating Funnelcake-- This gentleman is wearing a hat that says something along the lines of "Smile if you're not wearing panties" or "I party naked" and is lugging around a group of small children smearing funnel cake onto their scabbed and dirty faces. It's like a Norman Rockwell painting come to life!
• Woman in Way Too Tight Top Wearing Too Much Turquoise Jewelry and Eating Something Big on a Stick-- It's here that you begin to notice a common trait amongst Fair-goers: they're all eating something. As my original article detailed, stuffing your fat face with a series of heart-murdering snacks is a grand tradition at the Fair, and this woman does so while wearing a tangerine-colored tube-top that a hamster couldn't fit into. She also appears to have been attacked with a Bedazzler that's filled with "Turquoise Quartz" cartridges. She may or may not be at the Fair with "Man in Inappropriate Hat".
• Suburbanite Parents Horrified to Have Brought Their Children to This Terrifying Place-- Finally, there's this pair, who have a grimacing smile plastered on their faces throughout their day at the Fair. They hug their children close to their bodies and reek of desperation. They cannot imagine why they thought exposing their children to carnie-folk, fried Snickers bars, and viciously dangerous rides made out of rusted sheet metal was a good idea, and they would return to their cars and flee if they hadn't had their car keys stolen immediately upon entering the Fair.

That's it: that's the only people at the Fair.

But that doesn't mean that's the only people you'll meet! Why, there's also the Carnies That Run The Midway's Rides and Games-- a favorite spot for anyone attending the Fair. The men running the "games" (read: elaborate con-games meant to take your every last dollar) will leer at your wife/girlfriend in a friendly, suggestive manner; they're so happy to see you! But not as happy as the gentlemen running the rides: he's easy to spot because his constant sweating makes him appear to be melting where he stands, and his distinctive, flowery B.O. will make any ride you attempt to get killed on a memorable experience!

Finally, we have the "Security" Guards. The men and women of the Dallas Police Department who have been put in charge of keeping the Fairgrounds safe are there to help you by outright ignoring every pickpotting, mugging, and hate crime that takes place more than five feet away from them. Because these officers have been "Assigned" to the Fair (read: are in trouble for something at the station and have thus pulled the dreaded "Fair Duty", second only to "Movie Theater Duty" in terms of shameful assignments), they're far more interested in checking their text messages and standing in whatever shade they can find than making sure that "beating" doesn't turn into a festive, State Fair "murdering".

As you can see, the State Fair of Texas is filled to the brimming point with interesting characters and lovable criminals of all varieties. Pair some interaction with any of these people up with some of the fine, Fair cuisine on display and you've got yourself a great vacation that's horrifyingly no more than 30 minutes away from wherever you live!

We'll be back with our next part of the Comedy Examiner's "Guide to The State Fair" very soon, but in the meantime, why not check out some of these other recent articles from the Comedy Examiner's Office:

"Comedy Examiner's Guide to The State Fair of TX, part one: The Food"-- in which we examine what sort of food-related adventures you might have at the State Fair this year!

"Funny Video of The Day #1: The Black Hole"-- a new column from the Comedy Examiner that brings you one of the funniest videos on the internet, once a day, every day. Because you can't find 'em yourself!

"SNL's "F-Bomb" dropping cast member will not be (bleep)ing fired, says NBC"--in which we give the dead horse one, last brutal whack and report that Jenny Slate isn't f---ing going anywhere.

"Have they stripped all the Ha-Ha outta Nightmare on Elm Street?"-- in which we look at the badass new trailer for the "Nightmare" remake and consider the idea that all the ha-ha has been surgically removed from the series.

"Michael Moore's new movie sets box office record-- are you gonna see it?"--in which we ask Examiner readers if they'll be checking out Moore's latest movie, and note that it set a box office record this weekend.

"Matt Damon totally loses his sh-t in this on-set freakout video"-- in which we go back to "Christian Bale Freakout World", this time with Matt Damon as our guide.

"Reviewed: Curb Your Enthusiasm, Season 7, episode 2"-- in which the Comedy Examiner reviews the latest episode of "Curb" for your viewing pleasure.

"Reviewed: Bored to Death, Season 1, episode 2"-- in which we, Oh, you get the idea. Just read the damn review. And watch the show, if you're not already.

"Jon and Kate + 8 Poll: The results are too close to call!"-- in which the commenters freak out because this poll isn't "scientific" enough (translation: whoever they were rooting for didn't come out on top).

Examiner Article: Guide to the "State Fair of Texas" (Part 3)

"The Comedy Examiner's Guide to The State Fair of Texas" is an ongoing, multi-part series seeking to provide an ultimate guide to the sights, sounds, and smells of the yearly event in Fair Park. The third part in this series focuses on the con-games and borderline homicidal rides you'll find on the Midway. Read on, gentle Examiner readers...

This is part three in the Comedy Examiner' "Guide to The State Fair of Texas", and if you're just joining us, you may want to take a look back at where it all began. Part One concerns "The Food" of the Fair in all its horrible glory; Part Two tells you all you need to know about "The People" that you'll encounter down in Fair Park come Fair time. Get caught up, and then come right on back, folks.

Now we move on to the third portion of our Guide: "The Rides and Midway" that you'll take part in at the Fair. This is generally everyone's favorite part of the experience, much like how people who have lived through a brutal beating will tell you their favorite part of the attack was "when the person beating me paused to take a breath": it's all relative.

The Midway is populated by the same sort of carnie-folk that operate the "Food" stands at the Fair. Generally, these carnies are distinguished by their "wife-beater"-style shirts, enormous wads of cherry Skol lodged firmly between tooth (just one) and lip, and overall greasiness-- which is slightly more greasy than the rest of the people you may encounter while at the Fair. Some of them are operating the rides, some of them are selling tickets for the rides, some of them are selling tickets to buy tickets for the rides, and some of them are operating short-con "games" that are just dandy at making you feel utterly humiliated and ashamed on the long ride home from the Fair.

Let's go through this one part at a time, starting with the rides. The Comedy Examiner's Office has done some research and cobbled together some information on what sort of rides are slated to be on offer at the Fair this year, and organizers in Fair Park tell us that they've "never been more convinced that a horrible tragedy will take place involving the rides" than they have been organizing this year's Fair! Anyone else smell "good time"? Here's what you have to look forward to:

• THE VIOLATOR 9000: This delightful ride is the first new ride the Fair's carnie folk have in store for Fair-goers, and it's a doozy. The ride is 3 stories tall and involves strapping oneself into a spinning chamber with no ceiling or floor. As the ride spins, gravity forces riders back against the wall. Sounds pretty standard, right? Not so, because the "Violator 9000" has one, big trick up its sleeve: once the ride reaches 300 revolutions per minute, a domed mechanism at the ride's center opens up and flings large sheets of rusted, corrugated tin at the ride's occupants. The ride's designers assure us it will be a "hair-raising adventure" for anyone brave enough to pay the 10 tickets (equal to $90) to get onboard! Yikes!
• THE WADDLING PENGUIN HOUSE: A wacky spin on the usual "House of Mirrors", the "Waddling Penguin House" is so named for a surprise that occurs later in one's experience inside the House. First, you'll wander down a long, dark hall. This opens up into a chamber filled with partitions and, again, no lights. Where there would normally be distorting mirrors, the "Waddling Penguin House" simply has sheets of plywood painted jet-black. Once one gets close to the exit, a ride employee-- dressed as a lovable penguin-- emerges from the shadows and knee-caps you with a bat. You'll be "Waddling" out of this "House" just like a penguin! And probably around the Fair grounds for the rest of the day! Cost: 15 tickets.
• THE MALEVOLENT SOMBRERO: Dallas citizens may recall the zany "Sombrero" ride that used to operate at Six Flags Over Texas. When that ride was retired, it was purchased by a company called "Carnies United" and converted into this attraction, "The Malevolent Sombrero". The ride is still shaped like an enormous sombrero-style hat, only now riders are handcuffed into position on the ride. Once safely secured and restrained in their seats, a gang from Garland is summoned to rob everyone on the ride at gunpoint. It's like actually being in Matamoros! Cost: 10 tickets, everything in your wallet.

Now, that's not all the rides, but those are the ones that are new this year at the State Fair. I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my knee-caps bashed in at the "Penguin House"! What a treat! And as soon as you're done being thoroughly assaulted by the rides, head on over to the "Games" portion of the Midway. Once again, organizers for the Fair have labored over a new set of games to join the usual "Baseball Toss" and "Beanbag Throw" that have been Fair staples for years. Here's a selection of the new "Games" you can expect to find at the State Fair this year:

• GUESS YOUR BLOOD-TYPE: Similar to the standard "Guess My Weight" and "Guess My Age" booths on the Midway, the "Guess Your Blood-Type" booth costs 5 tickets and will allow a Fair employee to attempt to guess your blood type simply by tasting several drops of your blood. Recycled syringes-- part of the Fair's new "Needle Exchange Over Texas" program-- will be on-hand to help retrieve the blood...and help the carnie solve the mystery! If you stump the carnie, you get a choice of a slightly-used teddy bear, a rubber glove featuring "Mystery Stains" (Ooh, mysterious!), or a date with Erik Estrada.
• WALLET TOSS: A twist on the standard "Beanbag" or "Baseball Toss" midway games, this attraction costs only 2 tickets, making it the best deal on the midway! A stack of cement blocks is set up on a large, Mahogany table inside a tent. Players stand about 15-20 feet away and throw their wallets in an attempt to knock those cinder blocks down! Organizers advise players to leave everything they can in their wallets, just to give them that added "oomph" for knocking over the blocks. If you win, you get your wallet back! If you lose, it's time to get a new wallet and start over!
• DUNKING BOOTH/FRIED MEAT TENT: This attraction is sure to draw controversy: a combination dunking booth and "fried mystery meat" food tent, where participants sit on a platform and attempt to dodge incoming fire from a paintball gun shot by the carnie running the stand. If you stay upright, you win a choice of a pack of Crazy Straws, a handful of ice cubes, or a used hat. If you fall, it's straight down into a cauldron of boiling oil, where you'll be immediately recycled into the Fair's infamous "Fried Mystery Meat" snack. Organizers initially believed that outright cannibalism would be frowned upon at this attraction, but were convinced when Alabama allowed it at their State Fair earlier this year and found it to be a huge success! The cost for this attraction is 7 tickets, but you're also gonna need to bring your sense of balance with you!

It's safe to say that the people behind this year's State Fair have outdone themselves in terms of sheer entertainment value. The Fair is expected to draw over 200,000 people this year, and with attractions like these on hand for families and friends of all ages, it's likely that the Texas State Fair is just going to keep getting bigger and better every year! Be sure to stay tuned for the Comedy Examiner's final entry in the Guide sometime later this week, where we'll be examining the other sites that the Fair has to offer this year, including the wildly popular and in-no-way boring Boat Show.

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What the hell is wrong with Japan?

Is it racist to say that Japan puts some bizarre, unsettling, creepy, and horrifying things on their TV networks in the name of entertainment? Is that racist? Should I not have done that? I'll let you be the judge. Take a gander at this bizarre video straight offa Japan's airwaves...and into our hearts (cue romantic music). Read on, gentle Examiner readers...

I have seen some of the most bizarre things I've ever seen in my life in online clips from Japanese TV shows. They have gameshows where dudes have to wear diapers and clench coconuts between their butt cheeks while running on a treadmill cranked up to 30 miles per hour all to win 1,000 yen, which roughly translates to...yes, I think it's $1 million (US) these days. I could be a little off on that.

Generally, I ignore this sort of thing, but today-- by way of Warming Glow, the awesome TV snark site-- I came across this little gem. Something tells me I'm not going to be getting alot of sleep tonight. And, as such, I thought I'd share my nightmare with you:

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with Japanese TV shows? Do they look at some of the stuff we're doing and feel their sanity slipping away as we do when we gaze upon their televised horrors? Surely there's nothing on American television that's this creepy, right?

I see your point, Japan. Although, I hear "Super Happy Trenchcoat Cowboy Man Adventures" is set to be a big hit when it debuts over there in a couple of months. Have fun with it, Japan. We already had out turn.
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